Cycle day 13. The follicle is supposed to be 15mm diameter now, since it was 11mm on Monday. Ovulation test score: 0.
I’m going to update on the ovulation tests I’ll be doing, because this is kind of like doing pregnancy tests. Now they want the Clearblue digital response to know for sure that I am actually ovulating. If I don’t get a smiley face, which is the plus in this set of tests, I don’t know what they’ll do. But I’m pretty sure they’ll take it as a sign of me not ovulating at all.
I am a machine. My functioning has been divided into these 28 day cycles, and then subdivided into pre-ovulatory and luteal (post-ovulatory) phase. First I was fed follicle stimulating hormones. I’m under the impression that these hormones are meant to affect the lutenizing hormone, but the injections would double the effect, because they are the Lh hormone.
When I was writing the above, I read some of it from Wikipedia, because I wasn’t completely positive about the hormonal changes happening in my body. Funnily enough, I now realize that this problem is in my brain, hypothalamus to be exact, and not in my reproductive organs. This, somehow, helps me deal.
The doctor said that we’d strenghten the hormone levels we get with the pills with the injections. She said we’ll build the right level. And if it’s not enough… Then it’s IVF for us. I don’t know, how they’ll tweak my hormone levels in IVF treatment, but I bet they do everything in their power. I just must trust them to know what to do, and ask a lot of questions.
I remember the doctor remarking that my other ovary was silent the last time I went there before Monday. I’ve let myself believe there should always be small beginnings in there no matter, where I am in my cycle, and I was left thinking about the possibility that there wouldn’t be any to grow mature eggs from.
We’ll see, I guess. I’ll update again tomorrow. Let’s hope for a smiley face then! This is made all the more stressfull, because I’ve never gotten a positive on a ovulation test, except once on my period. I thought the the tests were faulty, not me. But seems I was wrong.
I’d like to add though, because UncommonMurre was talking about my use of the word broken about myself, that even though I do feel that something in me is broken, I don’t really apply that to everything in me. I mostly feel very much alive and content, because I get to work on new projects that intrigue me, I’ve made some friends with infertile women here where I live and I’m more and more okay with talking about my sorrow. I’ve come to accept that when the day is bad, when everything seems to fall, I can use that day to mourn. I have the right to be sad. I don’t have to be productive all the time. This is a big sorrow, one that will surely last my whole life, no matter, how things end up. I don’t know, how to fully express, how I feel. I’ve faced the infertility, I guess, for what it is. It’s here with me, but it’s not everything, all the time.
It helps to know, what’s wrong. If my hypothalamus is unable to produce the Lh I need to conceive, I really just rather would know about it. We can help my brain. We can help my body, we can fix some things with the medication. It’s the unknown that scares me.
I also love the way Wonderboy dealt with this. He asked: But what does this mean? And when I answered, he sighed out of relief and determination. Okay, now I know, when to fuck you. And really. That’s what matters.