As the fall progressed, leaves started to get colour and then wither, nights started growing over the days, I started getting anxious. It was a creeping feeling of unease first. I tried to call the hospital that does our infertility treatments. No answer. I waited a week, two. I waited for the envelope with the date of our first visit. It didn’t come.
I tried to call again during their daily half hour calling time. I didn’t get through. I sent them an email detailing our situation. I sent another email asking when we would start our treatments. I even called the hospital’s helpdesk to ask, if they were still there. Funny things start to happen, when you are all alone with a thing like this. I started to despair. I thought they had forsaken us, because we moved. (It did turn out to be a problem.)
Finally I got a call. First, in the morning, when no one would wake me up, to say that they have me in line for the appointment. And then I got a call to work. they had a cancellation. Could we come tomorrow? I said yes. It’s over 100 kilometres away. We both would lose a work day. We made it happen. We went there. Worried. Scared. Hopeful.
And now I have three different kinds of needles. Pens, they call them, but don’t be fooled – there’s a needle at the end. I have a schedule with milligrams and dates and numbers I don’t yet understand. I need to inject myself with hormones now, to the fat of my belly. Every morning. I got some time to deal with this, because nothing starts before my period do. And like always, there’s the waiting, the bureucracy of it all. We have to wait for a hormonal test result, so we’ll know how much of an egg farm I’ve got there altogether. How much I have in total. That will determine how much I’ll be injecting in my first dose. The daily one that will grow all teh follicles to maturity, if we’re lucky. Then I’ll start the second one to slow the process down, so they don’t all burst before it’s time. And the last one…
It’s the one I inject 36 hours before the procedure. The induction I’ve been dreading since day one. But now it’s so close…
I can almost hope again. Because after three days of the induction they will hopefully put one little fellow inside me. And that little egg will hopefully grow up to look like Wonderboy, maybe even me.
It’s scary to be this far. It’s scary that it comes so fast after taking so long. Everything about it is scary. The needles, the induction, the new doctors in the clinic that does the IVF, the hormones and the emotions, the waiting, the hope…
I could be pregnant in a month. It just feels absurd. I’ve come so far that even to think about it as a possibility seems ludicrous.
We had to sign three forms stating that they can tamper with our DNA. The document also stated that we are only in relations to each other. Well, since it’s on paper now… They took HIV and hepatitis blood tests to make sure we are allowed in the IVF treatments and won’t contaminate the clinic. Adn they made us sign the form for ICSI right away. The doctor commented on it to the nurse, and the nurse just said she did it to be on the safe side. I am so happy I have her on my side. Otherwise, I guess, we would’ve been dragged back to sign more forms, if they would’ve needed to do the ICSI – that’s the micro injection techique – the only thing that will help, if the sperm isn’t moving enough, which is one of our major concerns.
I did get some rather bad news of my own. We are going to do this as a short cycle, so we’ll use my own hormones and cycle in our advantage. That means they already could count how many aspiring follicles I have. It was 5. I’ve read about doctors who wouldn’t even do the procedure, because there were only 5 or less than 5 follicles. I asked the doctor and she agreed that there could’ve been more. But what can I do? Nothing. I just have to hope that those 5 will all survive and get fertilized so we have something to put inside me. Otherwise I just have to wait some more… The doctor also mused that I might still have insufficient progesterone levels during the last phases of my cycle, because my ovulation is always on the 17 th day of the cycle no matter how long the cycle is. Now I get the progesterone supplement I’ve been asking for over a year.
The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about what having a child would feel like. What would I do? Where would we change the diapers in our tiny new apartment? I let go of thoughts like this so long ago and now they’re here again. It feels strange, but not in a bad way, to be this hopeful again.
That’s all, I guess, for now. Now we just have to wait for my period. And the test results. If they don’t get the results in time, we have to wait until my next period – and a month more. It’s no time at all when you think about it. And you know I will.