I have woken up.
I went to do an interview today, of a woman with a 6 month old baby. He made me smile so much. In advance I was a little bit worried. What would I feel? Would it be difficult? Turns out it isn’t. He was just a little baby. A baby who liked me and smiled at me and wanted to own my necklace because it was shiny and dangling.
People can be so nice. I was offered chocolate and tea, and it was actually nice to talk about the stuff I needed from her for the interview. I was intrigued.
I spent the whole day at work doing things I could actually do on my free time as well. Googling blogs about different kinds of hobbies, reading, gathering information and links. I like to know about things. I like to learn. I enjoy it.
For me to get to the place of the interview, to their home in a different city in the suburbs, I had to take two trains and walk through a big park and besides a shopping mall. It was really cold out and even though I had my fleece on under the jacket, I knew it was time to change into the winter coat. The cold bit my face. And somehow, maybe this is for me being so Scandinavian, the cold makes me feel so clear. I don’t like to get cold and I don’t like the dark, but when it was still light and the air was crisp and clear my head was so sharp. I was suddenly madly content with the world. I burst in smiles throughout waiting for the train, walking over the slippery frozen leaves, ringing the doorbell.
And the boy made me smile.
We got into a conversation today at work which was actually really sad. Someone’s close relative is dying. But I felt such purpose, such harmony. I listened, I spoke, but I was also silent. I was taken away by my own thoughts and I let it happen. It was not my grief, after all.
And the cuddling we did with Wonderboy.
Didn’t we have sex last night?
Oh right. I was too tired and weak.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
I do want to have sex, but I’ve come to see that it doesn’t matter. If the circumstances aren’t right there’s no need to push it. We’ll have sex and it will be wonderfull when we have it, because it wasn’t initiated from a place of guilt or responsibility. I don’t need to do anything.
I don’t need to measure our relationship’s value in sexy times. I don’t need any proof. About anything.
I just am. Right now it seems to be enough.