I’ve been crying the whole day. I had plans for today. Take a run in the sun (well, rain). Do some decorating. Make a wonderful meal for us for when Wonderboy would be back from his work weekend. And I did nothing. I stood up to go to the shower, but was stopped by fits of crying and left leaning on the wall. I tried to begin some things but was drowned in a silent river of tears. The only thing I could do was cry and it didn’t seem to end. I would have a fit and when it would fade I would feel exhausted. And when I started to do something else it would start again.
I took my last progesterone capsule yesterday. Or… put it in. Anyway. Seems to me that I’m handling the change in my hormone levels very well again. I decided that we have to go to a private clinic and spend all the money we don’t have on this. And then I cried again. Because obviously we can’t. Where would we get the money? We have to wait… Once again. Probably until next year. Maybe forever.
Yesterday we were planning some decorating with Wonderboy. It was the first time it was his idea. He was happy when I got into it too. We were on the bed together as I reached to get a pen and paper to draw down some plans. When I was done and put the pen down he said,
I love you so much. I am so happy I have you. You’re the right one for me.
I can’t get over it. The same way I cried on our wedding night because he said I do and I couldn’t get over it. That he would want me and promise to be with me forever. With everything that we have had to face. With everything that has gone so wrong. That’s what he feels.
It made me so happy. I said as much and I also said that he’s the right one for me as well. I do believe in us, even when I sometimes can’t believe in us having a family.
We had wonderful sex the other day, finally, but I couldn’t come. My vagina just hurt and I suspect the hormones did that, because the way it burned. And I cried then too. I also cried an hour ago when Wonderboy wasn’t in the mood for sex even though he promised last night that he’d fuck me today once I would finally be rid of the treatment. But he was too tired at the end of his 6th day of work this week. Now he’s fast asleep and going back to work tomorrow morning. I wasn’t even crying about the sex. I’m okay with that not happening. It was just that something happened. And then I cried.
But at work I’ve been superb. I’ve been doing some amazingly daring things and I’ve been there a 100 %. Haven’t cried there yet, but we have to wait until Monday to find out if I will. 😉
I guess I couldn’t keep that up when I was left alone. It is a tremendous loss and I do have to mourn. So now I mourn. And watch Dead like me.