Pregnancy, Volatile bodies

Positive? Positive!

My period was six days late. On Monday morning I steeled myself for another negative test result and just peed on the stick already. I had to do it. Our next IVF cycle is dependant on my cycle and this delay was seriously screwing everything with the clinic’s Christmas break coming and all.

I looked at the test. And I looked again. Almost seemed like. But no. But it almost seemed like. Was there a very thin line crossing the other making it a… plus?

There sure was. It got stronger over some minutes.

I put the test in the back of our bathroom cabinet and didn’t say anything to Wonderboy. I didn’t want to make him excited. I didn’t want to have to explain to him why I did the test in the first place.

I went to work in a state of shock. I was so in shock that I didn’t even realize I was in shock. The whole day went by with me sitting and going huh? Every time I remebered the test my heart raced and my stomach twitched. I could be pregnant. It was possible. The test did have a faint line in it.

When I got home I could already feel the cramps building up. Familiar cramps. They made me realize that no, this was not going to end up any differently than all those other times. But it wasn’t like I had even realized what could have been. I didn’t even believe that there was anything to believe. But when I got home I got the test out again. The plus was even more pronounced now, there was no mistaking.

So I took a picture of it and sent it to my little sister to be sure. She was.

I can see it too! she exclaimed. It’s just like the one I first got from our youngest. She asked some questions of the blood flow, but by then I was cramping very badly already.

And then I showed the test to Wonderboy.

So what does this mean? was his bewildered question.

Well, it would mean that I’m pregnant.

And then we snorted out a laugh.

But you’re not, he said.

Well, my period just started, I said.

He was very nice to me and tried to make me feel better as the cramps got crazy intense and felt more like something burning in my womb. I tried to relieve the pain with a hot shower and a serious overdoze on painkillers. And I sent the information to our doctor by email.

By morning I had started to bleed heavily and it was all certain. I took another overdoze and headed for work. There I saw the email from our nurse.

Life does surprise you. Please let us now, when the flow gets intense if it does. We’ll figure out what to do next.

She also told me that they already have some of our test results… but didn’t say anything about the results. I think we’ll know next week or the week after that. And we’re supposed to get the medicine this month, so they need to act quickly.

But I think this is a huge break through. This was the furthest any of my pregnancies have gone and I finally got the proof! Now the doctor will have to take the miscarrieges into consideration. This might mean some changes to our treatments. And it’s sort of good news since none of my follicles were fertilized in the IVF clinic. Now we know that our cells are able to be fertilized together. But we still don’t know why it doesn’t go any further.

Wonderboy’s been very, very agitated about this. He went bonkers when he heard. He didn’t believe that I was pregnant even though he could clearly see it on the test, and he didn’t want to talk about what it meant at all. Today he confessed that he was too scared that this would once again change everything. He didn’t see it as a good thing, he thought it was bad news because it ended in miscarriage again.

And also… He seems to get scared about the stuff that goes on inside me. When he saw how much in pain I was and realized what was happening to me, he just couldn’t handle it, because he couldn’t help me. (Maybe? I’m not sure.) But I was pretty okay. I wasn’t expecting this now. I’m looking forward to the second IVF on January. So, I’m fine as long as I won’t have to suffer endlessly. (I’m okay now. Not in pain or anything any more. And the blood stopped flowing too.)

But hey! I got my first positive pregnancy test! On a non-treatment cycle! Like normal people do! It doesn’t feel like I thought it would, but that’s probably because I could already feel the painful cramps when I truly realized the test was positive. I’m… odly positive about this. Also feel like crying, but that’s to be expected.


4 thoughts on “Positive? Positive!

  1. Congrats on the positive test!
    Sorry it ended up like that, but there’s hope! You’ve gotten farther than ever before! That’s a GREAT sign!
    Hopefully Wonderboy can find a way to deal with the helplessness I’m sure he feels, seeing you in pain.
    Sympathies and congratulations. My heart goes out to you; I’ve lost a few of my own.
    Best of luck!!!


  2. Thank you, Bunny. I need to hear that! It is a sign, isn’t it, that something is changing for the better? *Something* is happening. I’m holding on to that.

    I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through the same or worse. I don’t know what your situation is since your blog is private, but I symphatize anyway. It is hard.

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