To be or not to be?

There was a lot of blood and a lot of pain for two days. But not that much blood that I’d be sure that it’s over. Now the feeling is different. It’s this burning  sensation in my ovaries or on either side of the womb. Right now it mostly burns on the right side. I’ve never felt this way before, except for the hormone injections in the first IVF cycle felt a bit similar.

It’s stupid, but this odd feeling gives me hope that I just can’t live with right now! We had our office christmas party tonight and I had to dash to the washroom to cry in the stall just because this burning started and it didn’t let me not think about this. I left without saying a word, except for this one collague who knows about our treatments and is actually going through the same with her husband. I told her everything crying in the hall leading to the bathroom just like people do in night clubs with passers-by quietly glancing at us as she hugged me and made it a little better.

I can’t tell what I feel to Wonderboy. He’s already so lost with this new twist. He needs to feel certain that things are certain. But are they ever? And why am I trying to make him feel better when I’m the one having to face this? I don’t know. Maybe I’d like the option of not having to face this too.  I can understand why that’s scary – something you can’t fathom, because your body is just not made that way. He’s so scared for me I get scared for him. 🙂 ❤

But I am okay. Kind of. It’s hard to explain. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I don’t feel… anxiety at all. You’d expect me to feel anxiety, wouldn’t you? Or hopelessness or something. But nope. I just feel. Weird. Happy. Very fragile. Hopeful. And sad.

I’d just want to be sure and focus on the future. But which future? Aaaagh!


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