I’ve been reading a lot about polyamory and monogamish relationships – and watching the series Married and dating, sometimes with Wonderboy even. He doesn’t usually want to watch the shows I watch for fun so it was a surprise when he actually suggested we watch the show together on Christmas morning. Well, I don’t know if these two things are intertwined or not, but I can’t help but feel they are.
We are about to spend New Year’s Eve at a friend’s place, the Champagne lady’s parents house. There will probably only be the three of us, because she lives abroads nowadays and doesn’t have that many friends here. She’s had her dalliance with the Force so to speak. She’s a lot more experienced with play parties, which she has described in pretty non-alluring way, but a lot less experienced in some ways – as in d/s relationships. She’s been open with me about her inclinations and that’s why Wonderboy knows about them too. At a point in my life when I could barely accept my submissive desires just knowing that she had them too made them feel less threatening.
She’s a wonderful woman, but a bit on the reserved side. She has never even drunkedly play touched me or anything, the thing that happens with almost all of my friends. I get the feeling that she is in fact super straight and pretty keen on keeping her sexuality in the confines of a relationship. She’s not in a relationship now, though. She also keeps Wonderboy and me on a pedestal and feels our relationship is like the Holy Grail of relationships. She’s not alone in that either, my friend Kitten (earlier just K) also feels that way and has been pretty shocked when I’ve told her about Mr M and the difficult stuff we’ve have to wade through.
So, Wondeboy brought this up as a joke. We should take a whip with us when we go!
We went for a walk yesterday in the snow that was up to our knees and waddled trough it talking about it. I asked a bunch of questions, because I felt that it was not a joke and I should address it. Were we really going to play with her or even suggest a thing like that to her? Keep in mind that the Champagne Lady is my friend and is not interested in Wonderboy, nor does she seem monogamish. Just like I am not.
Wonderboy had thought the whole thing out to an extent and it really, really bothers me in retrospect. I just don’t understand what in the world would make him bring a thing like this up now when we’re headed for another IVF in a week or so. I feel cornered and hurt. I feel I can’t even begin to hold my feelings together.
But now I thought about this Wonderboy’s suggestion in the light of my own desire for the first time. I have no desire to do this thing whatsoever. It gives me no pleasure, it only feels really threatening. I want my submission to be a gift to him. It’s sacred to me. I do not want it to be handled like a cheesy scene or a game of Twister. I also see no enhancment in the fact that the Champagne Lady would be there too. I don’t like the idea.
I do not want to do it and I hate that he had to bring it up. It makes me second-guess myself and the things we share and do. Why would he assume that my friend would want to do a thing like that with him? Because essentially he would be doing things to us, it wouldn’t be between us women and it certainly couldn’t be between me and Wonderboy, that would be just rude.
It bothers me that he brought it up. It bothers me that he thinks he can suggest it and that he supposes a friend of mine would just want to do this thing with him. It bothers me great deal. Especially since we’re just trying to hold on to the shreds of our sanity here with the IVF treatments starting and with the Big News about the reasons behind it.
Incidently, this is not the only “joke” Wonderboy’s made during Christmas holidays that’s bothering me. He also tried to find something out of my bag (with my permission) and said:
Whoops, I found your condoms!
I had to ask him then, if he was afraid of me cheating him because the infertility thing wearing on me that much – a thing we just discussed I think a week or two earlier. And he said yes. I kissed him, looked him sternly in the eyes and said that I wouldn’t cheat and that I love him and only want to be with him. The same thing he did yesterday, when he saw I was in shock because of what he had suggested.
But it isn’t enough. He’s afraid I’ll cheat and that we’ll break up. I am not. But it’s not helping that he’s so scared. I suggested therapy to him, like I did last year this time, when he had to resort to mood elevators. And he said he’d think about it, just like he did last year.
I do think the situation has changed for the better. We’re at a better place for sure. But for Wonderboy to be so scared. Are these suggestions also coming from that place and how should I take them if they are? How can I express how hurt I am without insinuating that what he suggested would somehow fundamentally be bad? I cried a little when I tried to express this to him. I said that I feel trapped and overwhelmed with the infertility and IVF looming and that I just can’t handle this right now. He said that he hears me and honors my decision (which made me secretly angry too, like he was about to get something that I now stopped. C was very likely to say no anyway!) and we’ll get back to this after 10 years.
He’s plans for the Thing were pretty reasonable by the way. He sais he’d spank us a little. He’d be dressed, we’d be half dressed. (Even this made me ghrinch. How much so? I don’t want him seeing my friend half dressed!) And then we’d talk about it afterwars. How did it feel etc.
I tried to get him to understand how threatening it might feel by way of comparing to a situation where I’d be suggesting a similar thing with us and Joe. But Wonderboy just grinned and said he has never thought about it that way (!) and it might be fun. It might. But I don’t know, if I want it enought to gamble like that. I don’t know, if we should even be in a place where you can suggest things like this. But I guess it’s better they’re out in the open. It’s just… not so long ago when he hurt me more than I can say saying he wants to fuck someone else too. In the summer. He really broke my heart there, and I’m yet to recover. Maybe I’m just not cut out for monogamishness. And maybe he is?