BDSM, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Outside the Bedroom, Uncategorized, Wonderboy

I love you like that

He has taken to biting me. I love it when he bites my neck, but there are places there that get too sore quite quickly. What is different about the way he bites me now is that he just plain attacks my flesh. He tears on it. He justs flips me over – and I love how he’s so strong that he’s able to do it, not that it takes too much effort to get me change into a position he wants – sits on my back and brings his teeth down on me.

A light prelude of his nails on my neck, then back and ass, sometimes even thighs. Then he brings those nails down on my skin and rakes it. It sends shivers down my whole body, especially my neck and the back of my head. All good things send shivers there.

But he surprised me a couple of days ago when he was fucking me from behind. He absolutely ravaged my back, my shoulders and my neck with his teeth. My skin is sore even after days! And I loved it!

These small things that are new make us so happy. There are loads of things that we haven’t done in a while that I love. Loads of things we had tried and somehow didn’t get in to it right away – like bondage. And loads of things, so little yet so significant to the feeling that we are finding something even if it’s almost been there all the time. Maybe we just notice it now and exploit it. But it does bring a lot of joy. And we are still planning on using the holidays to practice real life shibari bondage with a decent rope!

He’s been much more daring with his d/s actions and role playing in our sex after the miscarriage. You’d think it would have the opposite effect? But I think it’s because after the miscarriage I’ve been craving it more. I’ve been very responsive to even small commands or touches, even little hues of power play have made me shiver and let out little happy sounds. This has obviously made Wonderboy very very happy.

I am very content with you now, he said when he got home. I had just been running in the pitch black, in the snow, because that is the commitment I made. So naturally I expected he’d be happy that I’m keeping to the contract and working to stay thin and healthy. But no.

I’m just happy with the way you are now. It makes me very content to think about yesterday… the sex we had.

I smiled and shrieked of joy. He smiled too and came to hug me and kiss me a lot.

I love you when you’re like this. You’re just so damn cute.

I had gotten to my feet to hug him, but after a while of hugging he kept me at a distance. I was explaining how this little wool collar thingie had kept my sore neck (!) really warm all through out my almost an hour (!!) long run.

I want to try that, he said and reached his hands inside my collar. His fingers found my neck soon and changed from caressing to commanding. I could feel the overwhelming surrender coming, but it’s warmer now, more palatable, not so stomach turning. I let out a sound I make when he owns me like this, in the moment. Like a hmh but very tender and low key.

I love when you’re like this. That’s why I love you, he said and kissed my forehead.

I don’t know the way I was… Or the way I am now, even. But I just am! I answer and smile and I can feel the way the smile grows from my heart what he means. It’s different. Everything’s different again. I’m so in love with him that I just want him to make me his. And he does, he so does!

Wellp, he had things to do in the kitchen and I had to go to the shower. And I think there will be no sex today. But you know what? I’d take this over some sex any day. And so I did.

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BDSM, Coming out, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Sex stories, Wonderboy

Beginner’s Shibari – Bondage with a Lighthearted Atmosphere

I went to a party on Saturday night. The main attraction for me was that there was a master of Shibari there, but there were also some friends and the subject was feminist queer porn, so I wanted to show support. Well, it so happened that when I went to the Shibari master to talk about my interest in it, she tied me up too! And what beautiful technique she had!

My friend took some photos of me all tied up with my phone and I couldn’t stop smiling! I was so happy I went, so happy I talked to the master and so happy I got tied up. It felt… exhilarating. It was so light, because this wasn’t a fetish event. No one was actually that familiar with BDSM, or if you were, you were quiet about it. There were no PVC clad women, no pressure to play out anything – and she was very matter of fact about it. She did give me some pointers, when I asked about the right kind of rope, because the one we have is way too clunky to do any real Shibari, really.

I showed the pictures to Wonderboy when I got home. I had been trying to convince him to come with me, but to no avail. I finally got my dear friend K to come with me, and since she has a budding BDSM fetish too, it was nice that we both got a little tied up, so to speak. Although I kind of get the feeling that she feels some jealousy of our ever thriving d/s relationship. But she’s very cool and open about wanting some of the same things and not being happy with how things are going with her boyfriend now, and I’m trying to be open and honest with her too, especially about the stuff that easily goes wrong and about the crazy feelings that get in the way sometimes. Also, she’s the only one I have told about our Arrangement and The Contract, so I could also tell her I could only get one drink and then be all lighthearted about it afterwards.

Wonderboy, on the other hand, still feels iffy about joining public gatherings, especially if it has something to do with sexuality. It was too much pressure for him to come into a situation like that…And I didn’t really pressure, because I didn’t feel that he had to come for me to be able to get what I wanted out of it.

But when he saw the pics, he did lighten up.

I really like those pictures, he said.

She’s holding a basics course on bondage, too, I added excited.

I don’t know, if I’ll be able to attend a thing like that… But I’d be interested to learn at home, he said and smiled that wolfish smile of his.

We’ve been looking at Esinem‘s site and his DVD guides Tying people not parcels and Shibari ropes on Amazon, and we are both pretty excited. We decided we’d get the DVD guides and some 6 mm ropes for a Christmas preasent for us both. And I have to say – this completely changed the way I feel about Christmas coming! We have been talking about using the free days to practice. I am so looking forward to that!

You can’t believe how happy this makes me! I’ve been trying to introduce rope to our life for years now, and only now does he show any interest in it. After I’ve already been tied by someone else. I have to say though, I looked pretty fucking hot tied up like that with my hands behind my head. No wonder Wonderboy took a liking to it! It’s just so different to be really tied. There’s the act of tying and the movement and malleability of rope in contrast to handcuffs and restraints. It makes me feel giddy.

I remember how it felt when Wonderboy tied me up the first time. How vulnerable I felt, how lost he felt, when I was at his mercy without a doubt. I don’t think that will be a problem anymore. Everything’s changed with all the stuff we’ve had to suffer through. It’s not so scary anymore. Nothing is.

**

On Sunday he commanded me to put on fake eyeleashes (with sparking pink diamonds in them!), my silver stiletto heels, my fishnet stockings and then he collared me. And fucked my ass. It was something I had asked of him the day before, but it took some time for him to be able to trust me. We haven’t done it since the treatments started. (So in 1,5 years…) It’s just been too much, too much of everything and too little of the hormones that make me want it. But I did now. He used the pink suade restraints on me and fucked my ass after he’d played with it a loooooong time with lube and fingers and tongue.

I was so present. I wasn’t afraid at all. I did what I wanted and asked for what I wanted. And he was less afraid than before. Although he did confess later that he had been worried about me and the pain I migh have been feeling. I did feel some pain, but I think we will get better at it from now on. Because the fear is gone.

We also came at the same time. How rewarding is that?

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BDSM, Learning to negotiate, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Wonderboy

A moment of harmony

I don’t feel much like writing nowadays. I’m trying to make the most of my life. Winter is coming, after all, and it’ll be long, dark, cold and hard. We can’t even make any plans to get away like everybody else since we have to wait for the treatments to start and see where we’ll be at the end of this year.

Things have settled down a bit from where we started at. I don’t want to go to the spesifics, but Wonderboy deemed it okay to punish me for my attitude not my behaviour and he did it too hard. I cracked. I realized later I should have safeworded out, but I didn’t realize I couldn’t take it before I was uncontrollably crying. It took us several days to get to the bottom of that with me losing some of my trust in him and him in himself as well. And although it sprouted a most wonderful and adult conversation about his coping skills (retreat, retreat in to silence!) and has made our sex life tons more active and happy, it has diminished the TPE d/s thing a little.

I feel more confident nowadays that I’ll get through whatever the treatments have in store for us, and that we’ll get through whatever will come with it working or failing. We have worked so hard and come so far. I’m really happy in my new job, and I think it makes a world of difference. I just have so much else to think about. We moved back to where I’m from and I have all my friends here. I just belong here. And I think I need to work hard. That I need to feel useful and competent on a daily basis, as I do in my job now.

I’ve also been a very good girl, or so my husband tells me, and so I’ve been working out and eating as per our Contract. Two healthy meals a day, no snacking and no unhealthy choices for breakfast or drinks either. It makes me happy. I’ve changed from coffee to different kinds of teas, and it makes my body feel more at ease and healthy. My stomach obviously couldn’t handle some of the processed grains and milk products or coffee I used to eat. Now that I’ve given those up, I’m much healthier, feel better and… Yeah. I am thinner too.

I don’t mind it so much, and sometimes it even makes me happy to see my face find a shape it used to have or my waist curve in again. But I’m not doing this to lose weight. I’m doing this because of the Contract and…

oddly enough…

this serves a double service of finding myself.

I’ve never run before. Out in the open, in the parks where there are lots of people who stare. They don’t really so much, but I used to be afraid that they would. And what would they think. I just didn’t want to be judged. I also couldn’t go into any of the much needed yoga or stretching classes because I would’ve felt so alien, so fat and such a misfit.

Now I run in the sun, watch the trees lose their leafs and change their color. I watch the dogs run and the people sit on the benches enjoying their day off or the evening sun. I’m finding out what my body is capable of. I’m finding out that I enjoy running. I enjoy to be outdoors.

Why couldn’t I for so long? What was I so afraid of?

I can also communicate my needs. I can lose myself again. I’ve astonished myself by asking for things in the heat of the moment I never thought I’d ask for and Wonderboy has also asked for things that aren’t so clearly in the big catalogue of sexual acts. We both are more honest and more daring, and it turns out we actually enjoy a wild variety of ordinary things, light touches, kisses, caresses of hair.

We have been kissing like when we met. Just kissing, caressing, fondling each other. Not going any further. I didn’t reach orgasm last time we made love, and I didn’t want to try because of the menstrual pain getting worse by the minute. Later we were kissing passionately, so juicyly, and I asked if he’d go down on me then. He thought for a moment and then caressed me and kissed me a little more.

I don’t think I feel like licking you right now. I feel more like kissing, he said.

Let’s kiss then! I said and we continued and it was wonderful and we were both happy.

And I remember thinking that I’d take him so completely losing himself on kissing me over licking me any day. It was also on of the few times he has ever said no to me. He’s trusting me more. He’s trusting us. He doesn’t feel that he always owes me the pleasure anymore. It makes me very happy he feels this way. That he can be honest and that he can find pleasure with me the way he enjoys it too.

D/s doesn’t have to be about a cold command or a hard hand. It can as well be about a gentle hand and loving words… and still be as commanding.

So much is self evident now. I’m hurting because running made my menstrual cramps go from bad to worse. Wonderboy came to ask, if I needed anything and said in a gentle and caring voice, You don’t have to go to the gym today, if you’re hurting really bad. Because it’s his decision, not mine. Because we both want it to be so.

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BDSM, embracing pain, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Outside the Bedroom, Sex stories, Wonderboy

It had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with everything else

TPE. It sounds kinda cute doesn’t it. Tee pee ee. Like a tipi.

That’s what I feel like when Wonderboy tells me that I have to eat before I go to bed. Or that I can’t net around anymore, it’s too late. Or when he orders me to go to the gym right away. Or when he wants to see the pictures I take of my lunch every day so that he can check that I’m eating as he’s ordered. I feel that it’s as cute as telling me I’m an angel or beautiful or his. As cute as if he’d kiss and caress me gently in front of everyone.

He has made other rules as well. If I buy clothes, I have to give up two for every one I buy. I can’t buy candy at all. I have to ask permission for a lot of things, and I might not get them. I can only drink alcohol once a week, doesn’t matter if I only take a glass.

The difference is that now he actually stands by is rules. He sees that I obey them. I told him that it was the most important thing to me about being his. The follow trough. He’s done an excellent job. Actually he’s done such a job that he’s starting to go over our designated agreement. I got a bit spiky a minute ago, when he asked if I was staying or going, and he came to me at once.

Are you talking back to me? he asked.

I just mimicked being really angry, although I wasn’t really. And then he hit me on my butt, and it wasn’t a gentle smack.

You better not talk back to me unless you want to be spanked.

Sigh. The love and devotion he gives me.

I actually went to the gym on Sunday (on the day of rest!) and came back truly and completely happy. It was amazing. I came home swimming in a haze of happiness which had probably been enhanced by the endorphines of the workout routine he made for me. I just stood there in the doorway and smiled lazily, happily. He came to hug me and I pointed to my face, the lazy smile.

This is a happy face, I told him. This is what you do to me, when you command me.

This makes me happy. I feel so… content. So completely content.

He then proceded to spank me with a cute little suede flogger he bought for us. It’s purple. He said he didn’t want to have sex and would only give me a spanking. But I felt it change, when he began spanking me harder. So hard I could barely cope with the pain. I tried to wiggle. I yelled and I asked him to be more gentle. And for a time he was. And then he wasn’t again.

When he told me to get up on all fours, I could hear it in his voice. The sexual tension. He made me do it with his voice. It made me wet.

He fucked me from behind hard as ever smacking my butt all the while. He held me by the hair so that I was uncomfortably torn to him. And I was bucking my hips against his, driving his cock harder and harder inside me until I came. And after that. Well, after that the fucking really started to hurt. And it made him even more hot. I drooled all over the bed just unable and not caring about how I looked or if my mouth was open. The noises I made were animal, terrible, shameful voices of total intellectual breakdown.

When he swept me up against his chest after the fact and kept me there, caressing me as I convulsed and maybe cried a little, there was only one thing missing. My collar. I felt so owned in such a hugely different way. And it had mostly nothing to do with the sex and almost everything to do with everything else.

This is where we’re at now. I’ve never felt as alive.

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BDSM, Learning to negotiate, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff

The new order

I’m back and there’s a new order in town! Grueling relationship discussion (hysterical crying and running around the house to escape the discussion) can sometimes really turn things around. I didn’t think anything good would come from the notorious and talked Fifty shades of Gray, but something did for us. We have a binding contract now… I itch to tell you all about it, but I gotta go to work!

Cliffhanger!

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BDSM, Love, Sex stories, Submissive tendencies, Wonderboy

A small treat

I want to post this small treat, because I know you guys are having your hearts broken as well, because of what’s happening to us. It’s not all tears, even now. It never is.

After the miscarriage, for some unfathomable reason, I’ve been horny as hell. Wonderboy’s been really careful and understanding… but one night he just turned me on my tummy and started to fuck me. We had been kissing and I’d made my womanly needs known somewhere in there, so it was not like there hadn’t been communication. There had, just without words.

(And here’s where I differ from the mighty Cliff Pervocracy in my views on communicating consent, desire and need. I agree on the whole that communication is key, and I sometimes struggle to communicate what I really want right now, but the  playing ground is set for us in this partnership. I don’t need to establish all of that every time. It’s a great post by the way, and you should definately read it.)

There wasn’t much of foreplay as I recall. There was just a lot of strangling and pushing his hand on my face. I love it more than anything, but I’ve been mortified to accept, how important it really is to me, because it seems so silly. I’m happy Wonderboy is not easily fooled, when it comes to my reactions, so he knows, how it affects me. And he used just that knowledge to tip me to the sweet sub space I long for.

It was perfect.

Something’s changed, because of the hormones or because I’m not taking them anymore, but I’m wet and slimy as something coming out of the sea. My body is responsive once again. He gruntles You’re so tight a lot these days. And I sigh out of happiness and fulfilment, because I feel right again.

It’s hard for me to have an orgasm, while he’s on my back. I’m so tight it usually hurts too much, and anatomically I think, it’s not the best position for me. He wasn’t doing much of anything really, not hitting me or hurting me. But he did force me to rise a bit to kiss him, and he bit my lips and we kissed, and he fucked me hard all the while we were doing it.

And then he put his hand on my head. It was weaving through the hair and I expected him to tug my hair, because that’s what he mostly does. But he didn’t. He found my neck and pushed me to the mattress. It was quick. It came unannounced. I didn’t need anything more. He was guiding me through. He was holding me and he was forcing me. He had me.

Suddenly his cock felt too big, my pussy felt too tight, so tight around it. I came. I pulsed and gulped the air my mouth against the mattress. He kept fucking me, but came shortly after. I have no clear recollection of how. But I came with him again. How could I not? He was pulsing inside me, filling me, grabbing me with all his strenght, raising us both from the bed to be even closer.

Did you come twice? he asked me after, when we were lying there naked and breathless.

Yeah, I answered and kissed his hairy chest and his face, what I could reach of it.

He smiled. I knew what he was thinking. Just like old times. Just like it used to be. I came from him fucking me and dominating me. It just makes him so happy to fulfil me.

He always asks, even when I don’t write it in here, Did you have a nice time? Sometimes he asks twice, because he forgets that I already said yes. He didn’t fail to ask this time, either. Having two orgasms means nothing. He needs to know, how I feel about what happened. (Just as the awesome Clarisse Thorn says: orgasm is not consent.)

I feel perfect so I say so and ask him in return.

Hit the shower? he asks.

In a minute, I say and bear hug him.

I don’t want to let go just yet. He laughs a little. It’s no small treat in the midst of what we’re going through. To be happy like this and to stay with it.

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