Everything was fine. After a long dry spell we’d had sex on both monday and tuesday night. I was feeling so happy about it, I thought things were really looking up. So, while we cuddled yesterday night I didn’t have my hopes up, really. I did desire him, but I know him well enough not to expect anything out of him three (workdays) in a row. Suddenly he blurted out,
I probably won’t be able to fuck you today.
I started laughing because it was so out of the blue. I hadn’t really been making any advances, because I know him so well. I thought that he would obviously start grabbing me and toying with me, if there was any chance of sex. Usually at this point I ask, if playing is out of the question too, but I didn’t, because I felt his cock limp and warm in his underpants – which he always takes off to cuddle! I guess there were signs I picked up on about his desire to not have sex.
Later at night he came to quickly kiss me in the bedroom saying that he only wanted to quickly kiss me. Like I would have otherwise taken it as a prelude to sex. I was happy he did. When he was leaving I asked, if I was allowed to play by myself and he said yes. But I didn’t. I kind of felt like it, but because he was so out of it and I was also a little beat from working out the same day and the day before that, I didn’t.
He’d said he would just go brush his teeth and suddenly I noticed the silence that had been going on for a while. It immediately made my heart pound faster. I knew he was jerking off in the other room. It was too silent and he had been away so long. So, I yelped where my baby had gone off too, but I didn’t get any answer. I waited a little more, but then I went across the living room and opened the door.
It was dark and I only saw him in the light of the computer, sitting on the bed, dashing to cover himself and close the programs.
Are you playing in here? I asked in a cheerful voice, because I didn’t want him to feel bad about being caught. I didn’t want to accuse him of doing it. I don’t really accept accusing about sexual needs and fulfilling them.
Yeah, he answered and smiled at me, kind of apologetic but more just grinned.
I closed the door and went back to bed to read stuff I was earlier reading. My heart was pounding in my ears. It’s okay, I thought. I want him to have pleasure. It’s alright.
I could hear Wonderboy creeping off to the bathroom to clean up, and suddenly the realisation that he had to clean up even though I didn’t made me start crying. I felt used. I felt abandoned. I felt forgotten and betrayed. I felt rejected.
He came to the bedroom talking chipperishly about how I could’ve know to barge in at just the right time, but soon quieted down when he didn’t get any feedback. He came to cuddle me and I cried silently tears rolling into my hair.
Did you still get sad? Do you feel like you’re ugly and I don’t want you at all?
No, I answered. No, I don’t feel like that.
Don’t be sad, he said and curled his hands around me. I was facing the other way and tried to grab his hands, to hug him back in a way.
I know it’s different. I know it’s not the same. Masturbating and sex.
It was just because we had such amazing sex yesterday. And since you wanted to play, I thought I’d play. Just a little.
I didn’t. I didn’t play.
You know I’d rather have sex with you. I only want sex with you. And if there would’ve been any chance…
I just couldn’t fuck you today.
Or play with you.
That stung. Really? Why was it so easy to jerk off, but not to play with me? Was it just because I would want something too? Was it because it’s so easy for him to get himself off, but for me it takes longer to finish him?
The thoughts balled up in my stomach and made my ribcage too small. I cried again.
I tried to understand. I tried to think that I’d do the same in his situation. But I wouldn’t. How ever way I turned it I couldn’t imagine a situation where I would reject him and then play with myself. I just couldn’t. And from there came the rage.
I just would never do that, I said in between sobs. First reject you and then just go and play by myself. I would never do that to you.
It’s just the hormones, he answered to my neck.
I froze. Oh, my feelings don’t really matter, because hormones might have something to do with them? I couldn’t imagine a world where this wouldn’t have hurt me. I even thought about saying, how it might have helped, if he would have just told me that he needed to do this. Maybe.
You can’t say that, I said, anger in my voice.
He sighed, let go off me and rolled onto his back.
We’ve talked about this. Why are you so sad all of a sudden? We’ve been over this before.
I felt like I was being accused. I was being childish for being hurt about him pleasuring himself and not doing it with me. I was the bad one. And I knew I was the bad one too. It didn’t help one bit, I was so hurt. I kept playing everything he’d probably been doing in my head and it was too much. I felt like puking. I just could’t understand. I couldn’t deal. I was so angry and hurt I wanted to punch something.
He went on to find his mobile phone charger and I stayed on the bed, holding a pillow, unable to move or feel anything but the pain I was dwelling in. I knew I should let go.
He came back, cuddled me and sang a silly song about not going to bed while you’re angry. When he didn’t get any reaction from me apart from a hoarse yeah, he asked me quite demandingly, if I was at all feeling like getting to bed with him. I had played down my emotions, I’d thought how I love him and that I should sleep here. I didn’t want to go to the other room, because of what had happened there just now. And I didn’t want to sleep on the couch. So, I said yes and went on to the bathroom, came back, took my clothes off like he insisted and laid myself down. He cuddled me from the back, kissed my back. I was in his arms, naked, but he’d positioned himself so that his cock didn’t touch me at all. And I was tensed up. I felt positive repulsion to think about his cock touching me. But it didn’t.
After some time he turned around, which made everything sprung up again. The rejection. The hurt feelings. I was trying to sleep. I was trying to just focus on how much I knew he loves me. But I couldn’t sleep. I could hear him falling asleep behind me and I moved myself away from him so our asses didn’t touch.
After I’d sulked there for a while trying to coach myself to sleep, I could feel his head rise from the bed, looking at me. I took away one earplug and asked what was wrong. He said something about waking up to feel anxious. I asked why, and he answered, because of this. Oh, I answered angrily. He didn’t say anything more even though I waited so I put the earplug back in. I could feel him shifting on the bed and then rising from it.
I took the earplug off again and asked, what are you doing? although I already knew.
I’m going to sleep in the other room, he said. This feels too bad, or something to that effect.
I felt accused again. More over I was being also rejected, abandoned. He wouldn’t even take the time to calm me. He wouldn’t even sleep with me when I was feeling hurt that he’d caused. Even when I’d made the decision to stay and try to focus on the love, which is pretty much the first for me.
He just left.
Like always when there’s a conflict.
He left and I was left on the bed with so much rage I was thinking everything from cutting myself to cutting his computer or throwing the dumbbels out of the window. I didn’t of course, but it took a looong time to wind down. He had left me hanging in so many ways. And I knew there was nothing I could do. I was still too angry to discuss it. He had expressed no desire to discuss this further and had even taken himself away as a precursion.
It didn’t help that he had the audacity to come back and collect the good pillows he sleeps on for the other room. Way to go man. If you want to make your wife more angry and hurt, this is the way to do it.
Somewhere down the line I even had time to think about, how not like my fantasies this caught in the act scene had been. I think it’s mostly because I knew he didn’t want and also aggressively denied me any participation in it. It wasn’t like yeah, babe, get in here and suck this cock. It was more in the lines of fuck off so I can finish. I wonder how ever that could make me feel unloved or dimished?
Anyway. I slept here alone after masturbating just in spite and to wind down. It took ages, I was so sad, really, too sad to do it. But I finished finally and then I slept without dreams until I woke up to hear him making breakfast for himself. I dozed off only to wake up, when he lay down on my tummy to kiss me and tell me, I like you, I like you, I like you. He then asked, if I could hear him through the earplugs and I answered with a hoarse yeah. It wasn’t a loving yeah. It wasn’t what he was expecting.
He thought I’de be okay now, in the morning. He’s done this before, thought that whatever concern I express late at night is just some phase I will wake up without knowing. He does get angry and frustrated and hurt later at night without any apparent reason. I just start to think about everything that’s hurt me in bed, when it’s quiet. I’m afraid to go to bed to face all that. Because then it has to be addressed. But it’s never something that’s not really bothering me.
I’m still angry and hurt. I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want to talk with him or see him. I shut the doors to the other room, where I was working yesterday and my good office chair is there. I don’t want to go there. I feel that my trust has been shattered. Why am I not included? This just goes to show that however paranoid it might seem to be suspecting someone of masturbating the minute they close the door between you two, in my case there’s a reason for it. He’s shut me out so many times, it has made me feel cheated upon, when he does this. How can I be happy, if he chooses to have sex with someone else than me? Sometimes it’s been because he couldn’t deal with a possible rejection, sometimes because I had some hurt feelings or anxieties he couldn’t deal with, sometimes it was him and his feelings. And sometimes it’s been because he’s too exhausted physically. A thing I can not accept, probably because all the other reasons (have) existed too.
I’m resisting the urge to text him something bad. Something hurtful. I’m resisting contacting him in any way. He will have to deal with this. But it will happen face to face.
That’s what you get folks for kicking your loved one out of your sex life. Stings, doesn’t it?