Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Wonderboy

Radical Acceptance

It occurred to me today as I was making my way home from another part of the country. I sat on the bus, excited, my stomach fluttering with anxiety. I was looking forward to meeting Wonderboy again after just three days. And I was giddy as a school girl.

I don’t want to be tied down. I want to be tied together. 

That’s what I thought. It puts together what I’ve been feeling. How I’ve been feeling about this thing we do. It’s not so separate anymore. It’s not just sex or just anything. It’s a part of who I am. What is between us is love and a relationship that can fulfill us both in a way we need it to. I don’t really have any qualms with it anymore.

I expect to grow old with Wonderboy. I see it happening already, the receding hairline, the changes of skin, the aches and the problems we didn’t have even five years ago. With a sexual relationship like this, with a desire like this I see a way to the future as fulfilling, or even more, than now. There’s so much to explore and every step always takes a step or two back.

It’s never ready, there can never be perfect certainty. We change and the relationship must do so too. We have learned how to communicate, and this blog, all of the friends out there reading and commenting and writing experiences of your own have helped me learn to speak. But I’m not done learning and I doubt I ever will be. It’s exciting. I doubt that will ever change either.

I will always feel butterflies in my stomach when I make my way back home. Because it’s scary. Love. Not being ready. Having to learn everything all over again, every time. And that’s what makes all this worth it.

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BDSM, Fantasies, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Sex stories, What Women Really Want

Helpless

Helpless. That’s what I want to be. Helpless.

Make sure I know what to do. Plan ahead, make arrangements, prepare everything and show me that you cared, that you thought about it. I want to see the rope on the bed. I need to find the brush and rags, the water bowl with the soap on a little plate on the side on the bathroom tile floor.

Guide me.

Let me know how you feel. Let me feel what you feel. Give me your words.

I am here to serve you. Don’t let me let you down. I need guidance. I need instructions and strict guidelines. What time, where, what, how, with what and why?

I need to know this is what you want. This is important to you. This is exactly what you want.

I need to not worry. I need to know.

You give me good instructions on how to lick your cock. Where, how, when to stop and move on to other things. Treat this as as important. It is to me. Don’t let me let you down. Let me know how to serve you. It is of paramount interest to me.

Do not make this into sex. Do not make this into a light thing, a thing to joke about. I do not joke about your sexual preferences, the way you like me to lick your ass or toy with it. Why are you not seeing my needs as needs? Why is it still this hard?

Why do you not tie me up every day?

Where is the rope now?

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Fertility treatments, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Passing Woman, Pregnancy, Volatile bodies, What Women Really Want, Wonderboy

Survival of the Fittest to Adapt

We have been trying to keep doing a small token thing, a ritual if you like. I think it was Lily’s wonderful book that gave us the idea. When we haven’t been able to do much else, and even when we have, Wonderboy has always commanded me to prepare the tea for us. I haven’t been able to do even that with the procedures and my body being so sick.

When I got out of the transfer, I was so proud of myself for doing it all by myself. I was so happy to finally get there that I needed to reward myself, so I bought these hand made chocolates. They were for us both, but Wonderboy’s been on a strict diet so it has mostly been me to consume the chocolates. Somehow Wonderboy still figured a new ritual could take place in this: it is my job to bring the golden chocolate box to him, if I want them. He will pick and choose one for me. Only one. And then I get to eat it. If I ask and he thinks it fits, he can grant me another. This… makes me oddly happy.

We tried to have sex yesterday. It was tentative, I admit, but I was actually turning a little horny. It has been almost three weeks since last time and I do feel a little alienated from my body. From him.

I’m glad that we tried. I’m glad about everything we did. About the nakedness, the warm skin, his scent, his lips. We caressed ear other from head to toes like I’ve never imagined Sex going. It was very loving and we were pretty scared. That’s probably why it didn’t hurt our feelings that we couldn’t do it. The progesterone capsules I have to use go straight into the vagina. They stay there to give me progesterone through the day. (3 times a day, so at work too. That’s been a treat, I’m telling you.) Turns out they also burn like hell, if you go on meddling in the orifices. No amount of lubrication helped, we were both burning. So we stopped. We kept hugging and kissing little, sweet and innocent kisses.

Do you want to do something else? To play? I asked.

Not really, Wonderboy said.

Me neither. It’s because of the burning, it kind of took the desire away.

Yeah, he admitted.

Then we caressed each other for a while.

It’s kind of miraculous that we can have a conversation like this – a situation like this – and both feel pretty happy and serene. We weren’t really even that disappointed. It was about something else entirely. It would’ve been nice to be able to have an orgasm together, but… it wasn’t as important as I once imagined. Huh. We exchanged our love yous there and then went on to read and play games by ourselves. It isn’t such a big deal considering the stuff we are going through.

I woke up tonight with soul shattering cramps. They almost made me throw up and wouldn’t subside in an hour before I took some pain medicine. I had to go sleep on the coach because the pain would stay away in only a certain position. At night I still thought that these could be the pains associated with the implantation. But today… when the cramps kept on rolling and kept shaping into a more familiar shape. I’ve nee here before. All the other times I thought I was pregnant I suffered for these same kinds of cramps and pains and stabs. They remind menstrual cramps a lot but aren’t exactly the same.

Now I feel I know. I know already. It didn’t work. There isn’t going to be a baby, not this time either.

The next time we have a chance will be in another hospital, with another doctor, after some waiting because of our move. It will probably be before next Christmas. Probably. But they might want to treat us differently. We might end up losing time again, doing treatment cycles that don’t result in any embryos. It’s not like it’s self-evident anyway – I got 10 follicles and only one was developed enough that they could transfer it (and only 3 fertilized at all).

Same all fears began to rise. Same all thoughts. Will we ever? Will we have to use someone else’s sperm or follicles in the end, anyway? Will our money run out? Will our will run out?

It’s not for certain yet. Wonderboy still believes I might be pregnant. I don’t anymore. I feel my body too well. Damnit. I was so happy for a while, even to be given a chance.

I don’t really know how I feel yet. But not devastated. Disappointed. Expectant. Sad, a little hopeless even. If it didn’t work, we still don’t know, if we can get pregnant. We still don’t know, if it will ever work for us. We still just have to wait. It’s quite a big thing to ask of someone, this waiting,  without a promise for the hopes to be fulfilled.

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BDSM, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Submissive tendencies, Wonderboy

In Light of the Eight Steps

I have calmed down from my previous post. I’ve had the whole day to think. I have also talked with the Champagne Lady, not about the suggestion obivously, but remembering her in a real way brought also real relief. We are planning on a 50’s coctail party with design dresses and hard curls, artichoke appetizer soup and champagne – but of course.

1. I feel a lot better.

2. I remember that Wonderboy loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. Or even fuck anyone else.

3. I try to keep in mind that it’s difficult to bring your fantasies and kinks up, and it doesn’t help if your lover freaks the fuck out and straight on goes into you don’t really love me then mode.

4. I appreaciate that Wonderboy thought about incorporating me into his fantasy. We did talk that he’d have permission to spank someone, but it was not expressed that I should be present. This is his way of saying he wants me to be okay with it and see how innocent it really is.

5. He is able and willing to negotiate about his desires – even to wait 10 years, if he has to. He’s not going to push something like this on me forcefully. Neither is he going to straight out leave me, if I don’t want to do the things of his fantasies.

6. I brought him to an orgasm yesterday with only my hands and mouth that made him lose all control and almost topple over me from where he was standing. He never loses control. Ever. He also farted because of the magnitude of the orgasm. How many times has he farted in front of me while having sex previously? None! I feel it speaks about the bond between us getting stronger since he can let go like that.

7. He had his way with me on a day I said I didn’t want sex at all. And we were both absurdly happy after, even though I never orgasmed.

8. It’s getting better. I can see it. I just have to remember where I stand.

Also, incidently, I bought Lily’s book and it is nerve calming as hell to read her humorous and down to earth writing about just these troubles. Although I expect never to be in her leathers so to speak, since I don’t count myself as poly in any way.

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BDSM, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Outside the Bedroom, Uncategorized, Wonderboy

I love you like that

He has taken to biting me. I love it when he bites my neck, but there are places there that get too sore quite quickly. What is different about the way he bites me now is that he just plain attacks my flesh. He tears on it. He justs flips me over – and I love how he’s so strong that he’s able to do it, not that it takes too much effort to get me change into a position he wants – sits on my back and brings his teeth down on me.

A light prelude of his nails on my neck, then back and ass, sometimes even thighs. Then he brings those nails down on my skin and rakes it. It sends shivers down my whole body, especially my neck and the back of my head. All good things send shivers there.

But he surprised me a couple of days ago when he was fucking me from behind. He absolutely ravaged my back, my shoulders and my neck with his teeth. My skin is sore even after days! And I loved it!

These small things that are new make us so happy. There are loads of things that we haven’t done in a while that I love. Loads of things we had tried and somehow didn’t get in to it right away – like bondage. And loads of things, so little yet so significant to the feeling that we are finding something even if it’s almost been there all the time. Maybe we just notice it now and exploit it. But it does bring a lot of joy. And we are still planning on using the holidays to practice real life shibari bondage with a decent rope!

He’s been much more daring with his d/s actions and role playing in our sex after the miscarriage. You’d think it would have the opposite effect? But I think it’s because after the miscarriage I’ve been craving it more. I’ve been very responsive to even small commands or touches, even little hues of power play have made me shiver and let out little happy sounds. This has obviously made Wonderboy very very happy.

I am very content with you now, he said when he got home. I had just been running in the pitch black, in the snow, because that is the commitment I made. So naturally I expected he’d be happy that I’m keeping to the contract and working to stay thin and healthy. But no.

I’m just happy with the way you are now. It makes me very content to think about yesterday… the sex we had.

I smiled and shrieked of joy. He smiled too and came to hug me and kiss me a lot.

I love you when you’re like this. You’re just so damn cute.

I had gotten to my feet to hug him, but after a while of hugging he kept me at a distance. I was explaining how this little wool collar thingie had kept my sore neck (!) really warm all through out my almost an hour (!!) long run.

I want to try that, he said and reached his hands inside my collar. His fingers found my neck soon and changed from caressing to commanding. I could feel the overwhelming surrender coming, but it’s warmer now, more palatable, not so stomach turning. I let out a sound I make when he owns me like this, in the moment. Like a hmh but very tender and low key.

I love when you’re like this. That’s why I love you, he said and kissed my forehead.

I don’t know the way I was… Or the way I am now, even. But I just am! I answer and smile and I can feel the way the smile grows from my heart what he means. It’s different. Everything’s different again. I’m so in love with him that I just want him to make me his. And he does, he so does!

Wellp, he had things to do in the kitchen and I had to go to the shower. And I think there will be no sex today. But you know what? I’d take this over some sex any day. And so I did.

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BDSM, Coming out, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Sex stories, Wonderboy

Beginner’s Shibari – Bondage with a Lighthearted Atmosphere

I went to a party on Saturday night. The main attraction for me was that there was a master of Shibari there, but there were also some friends and the subject was feminist queer porn, so I wanted to show support. Well, it so happened that when I went to the Shibari master to talk about my interest in it, she tied me up too! And what beautiful technique she had!

My friend took some photos of me all tied up with my phone and I couldn’t stop smiling! I was so happy I went, so happy I talked to the master and so happy I got tied up. It felt… exhilarating. It was so light, because this wasn’t a fetish event. No one was actually that familiar with BDSM, or if you were, you were quiet about it. There were no PVC clad women, no pressure to play out anything – and she was very matter of fact about it. She did give me some pointers, when I asked about the right kind of rope, because the one we have is way too clunky to do any real Shibari, really.

I showed the pictures to Wonderboy when I got home. I had been trying to convince him to come with me, but to no avail. I finally got my dear friend K to come with me, and since she has a budding BDSM fetish too, it was nice that we both got a little tied up, so to speak. Although I kind of get the feeling that she feels some jealousy of our ever thriving d/s relationship. But she’s very cool and open about wanting some of the same things and not being happy with how things are going with her boyfriend now, and I’m trying to be open and honest with her too, especially about the stuff that easily goes wrong and about the crazy feelings that get in the way sometimes. Also, she’s the only one I have told about our Arrangement and The Contract, so I could also tell her I could only get one drink and then be all lighthearted about it afterwards.

Wonderboy, on the other hand, still feels iffy about joining public gatherings, especially if it has something to do with sexuality. It was too much pressure for him to come into a situation like that…And I didn’t really pressure, because I didn’t feel that he had to come for me to be able to get what I wanted out of it.

But when he saw the pics, he did lighten up.

I really like those pictures, he said.

She’s holding a basics course on bondage, too, I added excited.

I don’t know, if I’ll be able to attend a thing like that… But I’d be interested to learn at home, he said and smiled that wolfish smile of his.

We’ve been looking at Esinem‘s site and his DVD guides Tying people not parcels and Shibari ropes on Amazon, and we are both pretty excited. We decided we’d get the DVD guides and some 6 mm ropes for a Christmas preasent for us both. And I have to say – this completely changed the way I feel about Christmas coming! We have been talking about using the free days to practice. I am so looking forward to that!

You can’t believe how happy this makes me! I’ve been trying to introduce rope to our life for years now, and only now does he show any interest in it. After I’ve already been tied by someone else. I have to say though, I looked pretty fucking hot tied up like that with my hands behind my head. No wonder Wonderboy took a liking to it! It’s just so different to be really tied. There’s the act of tying and the movement and malleability of rope in contrast to handcuffs and restraints. It makes me feel giddy.

I remember how it felt when Wonderboy tied me up the first time. How vulnerable I felt, how lost he felt, when I was at his mercy without a doubt. I don’t think that will be a problem anymore. Everything’s changed with all the stuff we’ve had to suffer through. It’s not so scary anymore. Nothing is.

**

On Sunday he commanded me to put on fake eyeleashes (with sparking pink diamonds in them!), my silver stiletto heels, my fishnet stockings and then he collared me. And fucked my ass. It was something I had asked of him the day before, but it took some time for him to be able to trust me. We haven’t done it since the treatments started. (So in 1,5 years…) It’s just been too much, too much of everything and too little of the hormones that make me want it. But I did now. He used the pink suade restraints on me and fucked my ass after he’d played with it a loooooong time with lube and fingers and tongue.

I was so present. I wasn’t afraid at all. I did what I wanted and asked for what I wanted. And he was less afraid than before. Although he did confess later that he had been worried about me and the pain I migh have been feeling. I did feel some pain, but I think we will get better at it from now on. Because the fear is gone.

We also came at the same time. How rewarding is that?

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BDSM, Learning to negotiate, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Wonderboy

A moment of harmony

I don’t feel much like writing nowadays. I’m trying to make the most of my life. Winter is coming, after all, and it’ll be long, dark, cold and hard. We can’t even make any plans to get away like everybody else since we have to wait for the treatments to start and see where we’ll be at the end of this year.

Things have settled down a bit from where we started at. I don’t want to go to the spesifics, but Wonderboy deemed it okay to punish me for my attitude not my behaviour and he did it too hard. I cracked. I realized later I should have safeworded out, but I didn’t realize I couldn’t take it before I was uncontrollably crying. It took us several days to get to the bottom of that with me losing some of my trust in him and him in himself as well. And although it sprouted a most wonderful and adult conversation about his coping skills (retreat, retreat in to silence!) and has made our sex life tons more active and happy, it has diminished the TPE d/s thing a little.

I feel more confident nowadays that I’ll get through whatever the treatments have in store for us, and that we’ll get through whatever will come with it working or failing. We have worked so hard and come so far. I’m really happy in my new job, and I think it makes a world of difference. I just have so much else to think about. We moved back to where I’m from and I have all my friends here. I just belong here. And I think I need to work hard. That I need to feel useful and competent on a daily basis, as I do in my job now.

I’ve also been a very good girl, or so my husband tells me, and so I’ve been working out and eating as per our Contract. Two healthy meals a day, no snacking and no unhealthy choices for breakfast or drinks either. It makes me happy. I’ve changed from coffee to different kinds of teas, and it makes my body feel more at ease and healthy. My stomach obviously couldn’t handle some of the processed grains and milk products or coffee I used to eat. Now that I’ve given those up, I’m much healthier, feel better and… Yeah. I am thinner too.

I don’t mind it so much, and sometimes it even makes me happy to see my face find a shape it used to have or my waist curve in again. But I’m not doing this to lose weight. I’m doing this because of the Contract and…

oddly enough…

this serves a double service of finding myself.

I’ve never run before. Out in the open, in the parks where there are lots of people who stare. They don’t really so much, but I used to be afraid that they would. And what would they think. I just didn’t want to be judged. I also couldn’t go into any of the much needed yoga or stretching classes because I would’ve felt so alien, so fat and such a misfit.

Now I run in the sun, watch the trees lose their leafs and change their color. I watch the dogs run and the people sit on the benches enjoying their day off or the evening sun. I’m finding out what my body is capable of. I’m finding out that I enjoy running. I enjoy to be outdoors.

Why couldn’t I for so long? What was I so afraid of?

I can also communicate my needs. I can lose myself again. I’ve astonished myself by asking for things in the heat of the moment I never thought I’d ask for and Wonderboy has also asked for things that aren’t so clearly in the big catalogue of sexual acts. We both are more honest and more daring, and it turns out we actually enjoy a wild variety of ordinary things, light touches, kisses, caresses of hair.

We have been kissing like when we met. Just kissing, caressing, fondling each other. Not going any further. I didn’t reach orgasm last time we made love, and I didn’t want to try because of the menstrual pain getting worse by the minute. Later we were kissing passionately, so juicyly, and I asked if he’d go down on me then. He thought for a moment and then caressed me and kissed me a little more.

I don’t think I feel like licking you right now. I feel more like kissing, he said.

Let’s kiss then! I said and we continued and it was wonderful and we were both happy.

And I remember thinking that I’d take him so completely losing himself on kissing me over licking me any day. It was also on of the few times he has ever said no to me. He’s trusting me more. He’s trusting us. He doesn’t feel that he always owes me the pleasure anymore. It makes me very happy he feels this way. That he can be honest and that he can find pleasure with me the way he enjoys it too.

D/s doesn’t have to be about a cold command or a hard hand. It can as well be about a gentle hand and loving words… and still be as commanding.

So much is self evident now. I’m hurting because running made my menstrual cramps go from bad to worse. Wonderboy came to ask, if I needed anything and said in a gentle and caring voice, You don’t have to go to the gym today, if you’re hurting really bad. Because it’s his decision, not mine. Because we both want it to be so.

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