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Just A Word

It happened when I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t paying attention. Suddenly I realized I used words that I never had before. And I meant them. I said them again, to test if they would keep their meaning.

You’re the love of my life, I said to Wonderboy. Something had changed, I think, irrevocably. Our relationship feels different to me. It feels solid. I have no doubts. I will be with him. He’s the one for me. 

Can you guess how he replied? 

Oh come ooon! he said, bashfully. Such huge words that he hid his face.

I wonder what he thinks? I wonder if he wonders how it would be with someone else. Can he believe that this is it, I’m the one? I don’t know. But I don’t have to know that. I only need to know what I feel. And I know now! Funny how this kind of a thing can surprise you after being together over 5 years. The love of my life. It started as so small, so… normal. Everything was so difficult for the longest time, because of our pasts, because of the draw to play with power and sex. It’s not so hard anymore.

Would you like to take charge of what I eat again? I asked when he commented on what I ate the other day.

Yes, he answered solemnly. 

And now he does again, for most of the time. He says what he expects of me but I’m in charge of deciding on the smaller scale what will be good for me.

We’ve been to the gym twice this week, together. I can’t even begin to describe how happy that makes me. Silly me. Silly love. 

When we were walking back home the other day I commented on my sweaty clothes  – sneakers and tights – making me uncomfortable and he said: I love you all sporty like that. You’re a dream come trough. 

Imagine all the hard labour of putting on makeup and grooming myself when all the while he actually likes me all sweaty and red faced after a workout. And I do understand him now. I like him like that too. I like to know that he’s doing his best to stay healthy and beautiful and strong, and I love that he’s doing it with me. It makes me feel connected to him that we share meaningful goals like that – and the hobby itself. I want to be strong and beautiful and healthy for him when we’re 60, too. That’s what this is. This is no short span thing. This is true love. 

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Shock

I’m in a shock. I was kind of hoping that I’d end up pregnant after the treatments like last time, but that this time it would last. I was waiting for a leisurely summer not thinking about treatments. 

Yesterday I got a call that changed everything. Our old doctor called me after office hours. She explained that she had consulted the clinic that did the IVF part of our treatment. They had come to the conclusion that we are running out of time. By we they of course mean me. They said I should definitely go straight into a private clinic and start talking about the possibility of donors. She said that my sisters situation is a warning sign for me as well. 

I booked us an appointment a couple minutes back, send my parents a message that things have changed drastically and now I’m dreading the future. But I am also optimistic. Now we will do everything that can be done. Now is not a time for false hopes. So we have to start using our savings and maybe consider a loan, a big one, to cover the huge costs of donor follicles. My little sister has promised to give us hers, but her life is in a turmoil as well, verging divorce, so I can’t trust that she’s able to do this for me now. Especially since my big sister would need the same thing at the same time.

There was some serious and the seriously silly talk yesterday night when we both got home. Wonderboy is not comfortable with donor sperm, because he doesn’t see what his role in all this would be then. I can’t say that I am happy about using anything donor, but I have grown to the idea in these years that we have struggled with infertility. Especially if the eggs are from my sister. She has the same genes after all even though we don’t much look alike. It would be the saddest I think, for me as well, if I didn’t get to carry Wonderboy’s babies. That’s what I want. If I get to carry them, the state of biology mixed in the little fellow don’t matter to me as much anymore. But it does matter some. 

In a little more than a weeks time we’ll be having this conversation with our clinic’s doctor, now as her private clients. I don’t know what she’ll recommend, but I have a plan in mind. Don’t I always? 

I’m going to bring up the possibility of fertilizing half and half of my eggs with donor and with Wonderboy’s sperm. This is to find out if there’s a difference in development. If there isn’t, we know the problems are caused mainly by me. Then we can move onto donor eggs. But since that’s much more expensive and we need a real life donor for that because of the long wait, first we test the sperm hypothesis. 

I just hope that Wonderboy would come to terms with this as well. It’s been coming for a long while, but still he was no nearer to accepting it. The bottom line is that if we won’t do the donor thing, we might not have children at all. I can’t compromise that. And he knows this.

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BDSM, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Outside the Bedroom, Uncategorized, Wonderboy

I love you like that

He has taken to biting me. I love it when he bites my neck, but there are places there that get too sore quite quickly. What is different about the way he bites me now is that he just plain attacks my flesh. He tears on it. He justs flips me over – and I love how he’s so strong that he’s able to do it, not that it takes too much effort to get me change into a position he wants – sits on my back and brings his teeth down on me.

A light prelude of his nails on my neck, then back and ass, sometimes even thighs. Then he brings those nails down on my skin and rakes it. It sends shivers down my whole body, especially my neck and the back of my head. All good things send shivers there.

But he surprised me a couple of days ago when he was fucking me from behind. He absolutely ravaged my back, my shoulders and my neck with his teeth. My skin is sore even after days! And I loved it!

These small things that are new make us so happy. There are loads of things that we haven’t done in a while that I love. Loads of things we had tried and somehow didn’t get in to it right away – like bondage. And loads of things, so little yet so significant to the feeling that we are finding something even if it’s almost been there all the time. Maybe we just notice it now and exploit it. But it does bring a lot of joy. And we are still planning on using the holidays to practice real life shibari bondage with a decent rope!

He’s been much more daring with his d/s actions and role playing in our sex after the miscarriage. You’d think it would have the opposite effect? But I think it’s because after the miscarriage I’ve been craving it more. I’ve been very responsive to even small commands or touches, even little hues of power play have made me shiver and let out little happy sounds. This has obviously made Wonderboy very very happy.

I am very content with you now, he said when he got home. I had just been running in the pitch black, in the snow, because that is the commitment I made. So naturally I expected he’d be happy that I’m keeping to the contract and working to stay thin and healthy. But no.

I’m just happy with the way you are now. It makes me very content to think about yesterday… the sex we had.

I smiled and shrieked of joy. He smiled too and came to hug me and kiss me a lot.

I love you when you’re like this. You’re just so damn cute.

I had gotten to my feet to hug him, but after a while of hugging he kept me at a distance. I was explaining how this little wool collar thingie had kept my sore neck (!) really warm all through out my almost an hour (!!) long run.

I want to try that, he said and reached his hands inside my collar. His fingers found my neck soon and changed from caressing to commanding. I could feel the overwhelming surrender coming, but it’s warmer now, more palatable, not so stomach turning. I let out a sound I make when he owns me like this, in the moment. Like a hmh but very tender and low key.

I love when you’re like this. That’s why I love you, he said and kissed my forehead.

I don’t know the way I was… Or the way I am now, even. But I just am! I answer and smile and I can feel the way the smile grows from my heart what he means. It’s different. Everything’s different again. I’m so in love with him that I just want him to make me his. And he does, he so does!

Wellp, he had things to do in the kitchen and I had to go to the shower. And I think there will be no sex today. But you know what? I’d take this over some sex any day. And so I did.

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Uncategorized

Screw You Sex Pervs

After reading the comments on Maymay’s exposé on EdenFantasy’s link practises, I understood that even if I haven’t been or, surely now, never will be in any affiliation with them, I still need to post about it and link to the wonderful, truthful and trustworthy Maymay for the shit to hit the fan for the EF.

R.I.P.

The internet is a shitty place for people not able to see and understand the ways it works. I imagine it will only get worse, and when I have kids, I won’t understand half the things they spend their days with. Thanks to Maymay for being our eyes, in so many ways. Now we see that even a sex product source can be against sex positivism and open-mindedness.

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