I’m in a shock. I was kind of hoping that I’d end up pregnant after the treatments like last time, but that this time it would last. I was waiting for a leisurely summer not thinking about treatments. 

Yesterday I got a call that changed everything. Our old doctor called me after office hours. She explained that she had consulted the clinic that did the IVF part of our treatment. They had come to the conclusion that we are running out of time. By we they of course mean me. They said I should definitely go straight into a private clinic and start talking about the possibility of donors. She said that my sisters situation is a warning sign for me as well. 

I booked us an appointment a couple minutes back, send my parents a message that things have changed drastically and now I’m dreading the future. But I am also optimistic. Now we will do everything that can be done. Now is not a time for false hopes. So we have to start using our savings and maybe consider a loan, a big one, to cover the huge costs of donor follicles. My little sister has promised to give us hers, but her life is in a turmoil as well, verging divorce, so I can’t trust that she’s able to do this for me now. Especially since my big sister would need the same thing at the same time.

There was some serious and the seriously silly talk yesterday night when we both got home. Wonderboy is not comfortable with donor sperm, because he doesn’t see what his role in all this would be then. I can’t say that I am happy about using anything donor, but I have grown to the idea in these years that we have struggled with infertility. Especially if the eggs are from my sister. She has the same genes after all even though we don’t much look alike. It would be the saddest I think, for me as well, if I didn’t get to carry Wonderboy’s babies. That’s what I want. If I get to carry them, the state of biology mixed in the little fellow don’t matter to me as much anymore. But it does matter some. 

In a little more than a weeks time we’ll be having this conversation with our clinic’s doctor, now as her private clients. I don’t know what she’ll recommend, but I have a plan in mind. Don’t I always? 

I’m going to bring up the possibility of fertilizing half and half of my eggs with donor and with Wonderboy’s sperm. This is to find out if there’s a difference in development. If there isn’t, we know the problems are caused mainly by me. Then we can move onto donor eggs. But since that’s much more expensive and we need a real life donor for that because of the long wait, first we test the sperm hypothesis. 

I just hope that Wonderboy would come to terms with this as well. It’s been coming for a long while, but still he was no nearer to accepting it. The bottom line is that if we won’t do the donor thing, we might not have children at all. I can’t compromise that. And he knows this.