I’m in a shock. I was kind of hoping that I’d end up pregnant after the treatments like last time, but that this time it would last. I was waiting for a leisurely summer not thinking about treatments. 

Yesterday I got a call that changed everything. Our old doctor called me after office hours. She explained that she had consulted the clinic that did the IVF part of our treatment. They had come to the conclusion that we are running out of time. By we they of course mean me. They said I should definitely go straight into a private clinic and start talking about the possibility of donors. She said that my sisters situation is a warning sign for me as well. 

I booked us an appointment a couple minutes back, send my parents a message that things have changed drastically and now I’m dreading the future. But I am also optimistic. Now we will do everything that can be done. Now is not a time for false hopes. So we have to start using our savings and maybe consider a loan, a big one, to cover the huge costs of donor follicles. My little sister has promised to give us hers, but her life is in a turmoil as well, verging divorce, so I can’t trust that she’s able to do this for me now. Especially since my big sister would need the same thing at the same time.

There was some serious and the seriously silly talk yesterday night when we both got home. Wonderboy is not comfortable with donor sperm, because he doesn’t see what his role in all this would be then. I can’t say that I am happy about using anything donor, but I have grown to the idea in these years that we have struggled with infertility. Especially if the eggs are from my sister. She has the same genes after all even though we don’t much look alike. It would be the saddest I think, for me as well, if I didn’t get to carry Wonderboy’s babies. That’s what I want. If I get to carry them, the state of biology mixed in the little fellow don’t matter to me as much anymore. But it does matter some. 

In a little more than a weeks time we’ll be having this conversation with our clinic’s doctor, now as her private clients. I don’t know what she’ll recommend, but I have a plan in mind. Don’t I always? 

I’m going to bring up the possibility of fertilizing half and half of my eggs with donor and with Wonderboy’s sperm. This is to find out if there’s a difference in development. If there isn’t, we know the problems are caused mainly by me. Then we can move onto donor eggs. But since that’s much more expensive and we need a real life donor for that because of the long wait, first we test the sperm hypothesis. 

I just hope that Wonderboy would come to terms with this as well. It’s been coming for a long while, but still he was no nearer to accepting it. The bottom line is that if we won’t do the donor thing, we might not have children at all. I can’t compromise that. And he knows this.

Passing Woman, Pregnancy, Volatile bodies, What Women Really Want, Wonderboy

Time Is On Our Side

I’ll freely admit, to anyone, that I’ve had almost two glasses of red wine by now. So, you know, if this will be a somewhat flow kind of piece, please check the first sentence again.

I got news today. They’ll take the blood tests whenever we are ready. Wonderboy’s trying to get Wednesday off, so we can go, because he just doesn’t want to tell. I understand, but I think he should. He’d get paid leave, if he did. We still have to go tot he doctor in the other city where we used to live, so it’s kind of a hassle. And I sold the car, too. They’ll check caeliac condition (again), chromosomes and then something I didn’t quite understand but it seemed serious. And they’ll check Wondeboy for chromosome problems. Then they’ll send him to get his sperm checked, again, so that they can check the DNA of the sperm.

Anything could turn up. Anything could be wrong with us. Or not. Our doctor said that they’ll put us to another IVF cycle as soon as they get the results… maybe even THIS YEAR. I’m shocked. In a happy way. But because this is so fast and because they weren’t in such a hurry before…

I need to tell you something.

Remember my big sister, Faith? Remember how I told you that they haven’t been conceiving either?

I got some quite stomach turning news Friday night. In the preliminary testing they found out that my sister is suffering from early menopause. This is a serious, serious illness. She’s only 1,5 years my senior, so only a bit over 30. Menopause? At thirty?

We’re all in a shock. I spent my weekend crying, trying to write here, and crying and not typing it. Because it’s not fair. She doesn’t deserve this.

I am so worried for her. It’s not even the trying to have kids thing anymore. Now I’m worried for her life. Because they’re not sure yet, if it actually is early menopause or something worse. They sent her straight into IVF and to the same  private clinic as us to get everything checked. Early menopause is also quite dangerous. Cancer for example is a serious threat to women with (early) menopause. And you know… sexuality and everything. Feeling a Woman, not a grandmom.

We cried together when I called Faith straight away. We talked for two hours and I tried to console her and hear her fears out. The doctor had said to her that “it’s not a matter of weeks”. So, it’s a matter of months that she’ll be out of follicles and go straight into menopause.

What it made me realize is that we are incredibly fortunate. We have time on our side. Years and years…


The doctor had asked my sister “isn’t your sister also a patient here? Interesting.” And te next day I get the message that we’re being pushed forward quicker than I thought. I don’t think that’s a coinsidence. I think the doctor’s afraid that I’ll have the same faith as faith. A year and a half from now.

And I want two children. One for each arm. One for each breast. One for each parent.

I don’t know what to think. Not really. I feel hopeful for sure, for us both. I feel a crushing fear and sadness and a need to help and support my sister. And then I have my own sadness to deal with. But somehow. It seems much smaller now, in comparison.

They’ll change the injected hormones, and I’ll start with the antagonist treatment again as soon as we have the results and my period start. I’m not afraid of the needles or the procedure anymore. I’m not quite afraid of anything anymore. Except for my sister.

I’ve challenged my alcoholic dad and said I’ll only visit them on Christmast, if they’re sober enough. I might go now, but only because he promised (!) and mostly because I need to see my sister and be there for her.

I’ve also openly told people about my kink. I’ve attended a party that was openly kinky.

I’ve been open about what I want and where I want it. I’ve been beginning to have squirting orgasms again with Wonderboy. I’ve been falling into subspace with force and surfacing more. I’ve even been able to communicate without sacrificing my sub experience.

I’ve been strangled again and hit a lot, again. I’ve been tied and held a lot. I’ve been kissed and missed a lot. I’ve been made dinner and cleaned for and I’ve done the same, a lot.

I’ve been loved a lot.

And I’m not afraid anymore. I just hope Faith will be okay. I’ll do whatever I can. But maybe it’s not what I can do. It’s what our little sister can give. Her follicles.

❤ Is there any way that you can show your love more? No. No there isn’t.

I could keep going on with these ramblings, I guess, but I don’t have anything to say anymore.

Next I’ll write about my wicked ways. About flirting. I promise.
Edit. Oh yeah. I read a study that said that even two glasses of wine per week during the IVF treatments can result in a 10 to 15% less likeliness to become pregnant. So, that’s why I’m drinking wine on a Monday night. That and maybe the fact that I’m in a shock. These could be the last couple of glasses I can take, because I’m seriously going to do everything just right the next time. I swear!