BDSM, Coming out, Gender stereotypes, I am a girl, Submissive tendencies, Volatile bodies

25 things about my sexuality

1. I’ve always seen sex as a power struggle, something to either give or take. I’ve been so entwined with the idea and need not to give in and surrender to the gender normative sexual behaviour that I’ve missed what I really desire, myself.

2. I’ve always been intrigued by sexuality in all its forms and in all people. It took me a long time to realize that other people have boundaries for sexual and emotional connection that have something to do with gender.

3. I’ve been toying with surrendering, bondage, submissiveness in sexual context and some intense physical sensations, too, in my relationship.

4. My husband asked me today if he had found his sexuality. I answered that he did seem to know what he wants and likes, even if he hasn’t found out all the things he might desire. He agreed.

5. I am not sure if I have found the same certainty, but I do feel I’ve found the place where it’s at.

6. When I fantasize, I picture myself as male. I can’t fantasize about two women or from the point of view of a woman, although I’ve fought long and hard to be able to do so.

7. I’m trying to change my fantasies, because it’s impossible to bring them into our sex life; they exclude my wonderful partner, because I need his part to get off.

8. I’ve always been attracted to feminine, tall, thin men and boys, who seem kind of gender neutral, and possibly have bisexual tendencies.

9. I’ve always been attracted to women who are sort of masculine, sure of themselves and nicely build.

10. I used to have clothes-on-sex with my best friend, when we were under 10. We made up stories, where  she was the guy and I was the woman. I’d orgasm, but I’m not sure if she did. It went on for years until I guess she got too old to excuse it anymore.

11. I see myself as bisexual.

12. I have been in love with women, though I’ve never had an out sexual and emotional relationship with one.

13. I really like cock. It makes me excited like nothing else. I love to smell it, lick it, suck it, eat it, deepthroat it. I just love cock.

14. I’ve pushed sex and sexual actions and situations even when I wasn’t really turned on or ready for it. It’s been like a compulsion.

15. I have a higher libido than my husband, than any of the women and most of the men I’ve ever talked to about it.

16. I don’t see my libido, the scope of my sexual desire, my gender fluidity or my desires as odd or unusual.

17. I still struggle with my submissiveness, because the things I need are also the things I see as demeaning and it’s hard to detach myself from the actual political, societal and cultural meanings and to the fantasy or play where we make all the rules.

18. I’ve never played submissive play with anyone except my husband, and I don’t intend to.

19. My previous relationship was abusive in many ways, (but) there was some sort of BDSM play there, too. I just didn’t realize and own it as I do now.

20. It was mostly centered around the idea that I was the one taking advantage of him.

21. I’ve found out that my secret fantasy life can be incorporated into my sex life, and it’s been the most life changing realisation of my life.

22. I love being a woman. I didn’t use to.

23. I’ve had orgasms from biting my neck, my earlobe, from anal sex, vaginal sex – and from sucking cock.

24. I can only orgasm from thinking, seeing, anticipating or feeling someone else’s excitement and orgasm.

25. I can and do feel love and loved when I have sex, howewer brutal or demeaning it might seem on the surface.

BDSM, Craving for more, Gender stereotypes, Stereotypes, Unanticipated Satisfaction, Wonderboy

A Little Bit of Kink

I read about a necklace that never comes off. This is also one of those things that doesn’t fit in my supposed sexual perversion as a submissive.

I want Wonderboy to wear one.

I want him not to be able to get it off, to be reminded of me every day all of the time. He of course already has his engagement ring to remind of me, and a pretty thing it is, but it’s not the same. See, I have a thing with neck and throat. It is magic. The most sensitive part of my body. The most dangerous to touch. And I want to own his. He does as he will with me, holds me by the throat or bites me neck, but I want to own him all the time.

We got him a necklace, a chain that has a silver key, but it is too shiny for his tastes, and anyway, has a conventional lock. But still, when he put it on. I don’t know and don’t care why, but I was so drawn to him that I had a flutter of butterflies in my ribcage. (And ants in my pants.)

Now I’ve promised to get him pierced for his birthday. He wants pierced ears and I want to give them to him. He’s wanted them on and off for years now, but has never gone through with it. Probably because he really hates pain and is really a pain wimp of no small proportions. It could be pretty awkward, in the shop, if he gets cold feet. But he’s said he’s wanted earrings from when he was a small boy! Why can’t boys have earrings, mom? Why can’t I? I can just imagine his mom making a face of not making a face. They would just become inflamed and you’d be teased in school. Only girls wear earrings. Yep. He’ll have his earrings now.

I don’t necessarily kink on earrings or him getting pierced, so I don’t know what I’m kinking on here. Maybe it’s the gender fluidity thing – with earrings he’ll be much more open about who he is. He’ll be more himself, and not so much what’s expected of him. It’s a small gesture, a permanent one, that shows that he is not afraid to be who he is, even if it’s not according to societal standard.

I really like the idea of that.