Self-Questioning

Guilty As Charged

I’m beginning to realize that every time I get angry… I actually feel guilty. I’m angry right now. A coworker insinuated that I’m bailing out on work because of other freelance stuff I have going on. I know that she was trying to make me feel guilty: she even did the classic “Well, I wouldn’t get stuff done either if I would do X, W and Z”. At the time I took it with a grain of salt. But it bugs me still.

Why does it bug me?

Here’s what I gathered while running wildly in the woods (jogging on the tracks near the river):

  • I feel guilty that I have more than one job. I know that I don’t always give 120% the way I’m used to  at work since I got to save up some juices for the freelance things I’ve got going that are really important to me. But I also know that most people never give their 100% at work. I’m very efficient and passionate with what I do. If only I could stop feeling guilty or like I owe others something.
  • I have been unable to do my best at all times and sometimes even failed being present at work because of the treatments. I know I’m doing my best, but since I also know that at my best I’m way better this bugs me to no end.
  • There had been no one doing what I’m doing now for quite some time when I got the job so there’s zero continuity, there are no plans for whatever might come, no strategy and I’m swamped up to my ears trying to build everything from ground up. People at work are like “but we had X, W and Z when s/he was here” and they don’t realize nothing is saved and so the work needs to be done again or that systems have changed so drastically that everything needs to be done again because of that.
  • I am very, very good at most of the things I do in my line of work. (There are some things that I’m fairly poor at, but they are up to 3% of my workload.) I mean, I fucking rule most of the time. I am also very, very, very particular about the way I want things done, and mostly what has been done earlier doesn’t meet my standards by a long shot. So now I feel like they look at me like I’m the  one who takes a month to do things that used to be done in a week, but they don’t realize the difference in class and strategy. Also I have already started to lower my standards, because no one can keep up with the demands I get unless they settle on doing nothing else for the rest of their lives… or doing it with a slightly lighter hand. I feel immensely guilty for this.
  • I tend to feel that I’m not doing enough. I guess that’s part of my upbringing (I had to prove my worth to be loved) and part of my feeling of self-worth (I still have to prove myself in order to be worth loving in my own opinion). I’m fighting the old habits, but I guess they die hard.

So, I’m angry because she struck a chord. I’m angry at her for trying to guilt-trip me. I’m angry at myself that I am unable to do everything perfectly. I am angry at myself that I need time for myself, too, which is CRAZY. And I’m angry that she has to keep bringing this up like I’m doing some kind of a huge betrayal when in all honesty I’m not the only one who has a life beyond those walls. But I guess no one will ever thank anyone for being a success and working for it. People seem to be jealous for success that in their minds was just a blind coincidence when it never is. My freelance stuff keeps me away from work as much as someone’s kids do when they get sick.  This is a contract we have and I am not paid for those times… unlike my colleagues with kids who are. But I’m being punished for it.

Try to do everything and people will hate you for not being able to do the same themselves. And what I’m thinking? That many in my place would’ve been on sick leave way longer because of the treatments… But I’m handling more jobs than one and still being guilt-tripped about it. BAH. I just wanted to do my job well. All of them.

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