BDSM, Learning to negotiate, Wonderboy

A Suggestion For a Third Player

I’ve been reading a lot about polyamory and monogamish relationships – and watching the series Married and dating, sometimes with Wonderboy even. He doesn’t usually want to watch the shows I watch for fun so it was a surprise when he actually suggested we watch the show together on Christmas morning. Well, I don’t know if these two things are intertwined or not, but I can’t help but feel they are.

We are about to spend New Year’s Eve at a friend’s place, the Champagne lady’s parents house. There will probably only be the three of us, because she lives abroads nowadays and doesn’t have that many friends here. She’s had her dalliance with the Force so to speak. She’s a lot more experienced with play parties, which she has described in pretty non-alluring way, but a lot less experienced in some ways – as in d/s relationships. She’s been open with me about her inclinations and that’s why Wonderboy knows about them too. At a point in my life when I could barely accept my submissive desires just knowing that she had them too made them feel less threatening.

She’s a wonderful woman, but a bit on the reserved side. She has never even drunkedly play touched me or anything, the thing that happens with almost all of my friends. I get the feeling that she is in fact super straight and pretty keen on keeping her sexuality in the confines of a relationship. She’s not in a relationship now, though. She also keeps Wonderboy and me on a pedestal and feels our relationship is like the Holy Grail of relationships. She’s not alone in that either, my friend Kitten (earlier just K) also feels that way and has been pretty shocked when I’ve told her about Mr M and the difficult stuff we’ve have to wade through.

So, Wondeboy brought this up as a joke. We should take a whip with us when we go!

We went for a walk yesterday in the snow that was up to our knees and waddled trough it talking about it. I asked a bunch of questions, because I felt that it was not a joke and I should address it. Were we really going to play with her or even suggest a thing like that to her? Keep in mind that the Champagne Lady is my friend and is not interested in Wonderboy, nor does she seem monogamish. Just like I am not.

Wonderboy had thought the whole thing out to an extent and it really, really bothers me in retrospect. I just don’t understand what in the world would make him bring a thing like this up now when we’re headed for another IVF in a week or so. I feel cornered and hurt. I feel I can’t even begin to hold my feelings together.

But now I thought about this Wonderboy’s suggestion in the light of my own desire for the first time. I have no desire to do this thing whatsoever. It gives me no pleasure, it only feels really threatening. I want my submission to be a gift to him. It’s sacred to me. I do not want it to be handled like a cheesy scene or a game of Twister. I also see no enhancment in the fact that the Champagne Lady would be there too. I don’t like the idea.

I do not want to do it and I hate that he had to bring it up. It makes me second-guess myself and the things we share and do. Why would he assume that my friend would want to do a thing like that with him? Because essentially he would be doing things to us, it wouldn’t be between us women and it certainly couldn’t be between me and Wonderboy, that would be just rude.

It bothers me that he brought it up. It bothers me that he thinks he can suggest it and that he supposes a friend of mine would just want to do this thing with him. It bothers me great deal. Especially since we’re just trying to hold on to the shreds of our sanity here with the IVF treatments starting and with the Big News about the reasons behind it.

Incidently, this is not the only “joke” Wonderboy’s made during Christmas holidays that’s bothering me. He also tried to find something out of my bag (with my permission) and said:

Whoops, I found your condoms!

I had to ask him then, if he was afraid of me cheating him because the infertility thing wearing on me that much – a thing we just discussed I think a week or two earlier. And he said yes. I kissed him, looked him sternly in the eyes and said that I wouldn’t cheat and that I love him and only want to be with him. The same thing he did yesterday, when he saw I was in shock because of what he had suggested.

But it isn’t enough. He’s afraid I’ll cheat and that we’ll break up. I am not. But it’s not helping that he’s so scared. I suggested therapy to him, like I did last year this time, when he had to resort to mood elevators. And he said he’d think about it, just like he did last year.

I do think the situation has changed for the better. We’re at a better place for sure. But for Wonderboy to be so scared. Are these suggestions also coming from that place and how should I take them if they are? How can I express how hurt I am without insinuating that what he suggested would somehow fundamentally be bad? I cried a little when I tried to express this to him. I said that I feel trapped and overwhelmed with the infertility and IVF looming and that I just can’t handle this right now. He said that he hears me and honors my decision (which made me secretly angry too, like he was about to get something that I now stopped. C was very likely to say no anyway!) and we’ll get back to this after 10 years.

He’s plans for the Thing were pretty reasonable by the way. He sais he’d spank us a little. He’d be dressed, we’d be half dressed. (Even this made me ghrinch. How much so? I don’t want him seeing my friend half dressed!) And then we’d talk about it afterwars. How did it feel etc.

I tried to get him to understand how threatening it might feel by way of comparing to a situation where I’d be suggesting a similar thing with us and Joe. But Wonderboy just grinned and said he has never thought about it that way (!) and it might be fun. It might. But I don’t know, if I want it enought to gamble like that. I don’t know, if we should even be in a place where you can suggest things like this. But I guess it’s better they’re out in the open. It’s just… not so long ago when he hurt me more than I can say saying he wants to fuck someone else too. In the summer. He really broke my heart there, and I’m yet to recover. Maybe I’m just not cut out for monogamishness. And maybe he is?

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BDSM, Fantasies

Suggestions

So, how do you really want to play?

You could tie me to the lamp hook, hit me and tease me…

That sound a bit scary.

You could just tie my hands and be my stepfather, whose gonna do a super bad thing.

No! That’s too evil.

Well, then you could be a customer who negotiates a rope scene, but then starts to fuck without a condom and forces anal sex when she’s binded.

I could?

Yeah.

To get here I had to ask and ask and ask again, what it was that he wants. Is there something he needs, but isn’t getting? He wouldn’t say anything except I don’t know, but he would bite his lip and I’d know, that something was. Missing.

Finally he admitted. We never do things we used to do.

What things? Anal sex?

He says he doesn’t know.

And you never wear anything anymore.

Would you like me to wear something? The garter belt and stockings? A short skirt and a tank top?

Just the stockings.

And heels?

Yes. The black heels. I like them.

Shall I go put them on? Now?

Yeah.

And he tied me with the rope by my wrists and fucked me without a condom. Fucked my ass and came. And the black pumps stayed on the whole time.

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BDSM, Fantasies, I am a girl, Submissive tendencies

My Punishment

You know what would make me happy? What would help with my tiredness? Just lick my cock a little.

Just lick the tip a bit. Only a bit.

Will I have to take it in my mouth?

No, only lick it.

Well, I know this is not exactly the tip, but it’s close, and if you only lick a little.

Just like that.

Open your mouth. Like that. Open it.

Just take a little bit of it in your mouth. Just a little bit, it won’t do anything.

Just keep your mouth wiiide open for it.

I gag. I gasp for air. His gentle hands are on my neck, on my throat. He plays with his cock and waits while I catch my breath.

Oh, God. You’re really good at this. You’re really good at licking my cock.

**

You can’t tell anyone about this. This is our secret.

Will you punish me if I do?

Yes. I’ll have to punish you. I’ll punish you like this, he tightens his hand around my throat and starts fucking deeper and harder.

You can’t tell anyone.

You’re a naughty little girl. You’re so naughty. You shouldn’t be doing this. It’s not right. They’ll punish you if you tell. It’s better if you’re just silent. Better just stay still and let me do it.

Gohd, you’re tigh.

You feel so good.

I like you little girls because you’re so tight.

Won’t you let me go?

You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you. You’re mine now and you can’t do anything about it.

Whimper, scream. Whimper, whimper.

Stop whining! Slap.

I know you like it.

…Did you come?

Oh, I’ll have to punish you now.

Be still.

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BDSM, Craving for more, Gender stereotypes, Stereotypes, Unanticipated Satisfaction, Wonderboy

A Little Bit of Kink

I read about a necklace that never comes off. This is also one of those things that doesn’t fit in my supposed sexual perversion as a submissive.

I want Wonderboy to wear one.

I want him not to be able to get it off, to be reminded of me every day all of the time. He of course already has his engagement ring to remind of me, and a pretty thing it is, but it’s not the same. See, I have a thing with neck and throat. It is magic. The most sensitive part of my body. The most dangerous to touch. And I want to own his. He does as he will with me, holds me by the throat or bites me neck, but I want to own him all the time.

We got him a necklace, a chain that has a silver key, but it is too shiny for his tastes, and anyway, has a conventional lock. But still, when he put it on. I don’t know and don’t care why, but I was so drawn to him that I had a flutter of butterflies in my ribcage. (And ants in my pants.)

Now I’ve promised to get him pierced for his birthday. He wants pierced ears and I want to give them to him. He’s wanted them on and off for years now, but has never gone through with it. Probably because he really hates pain and is really a pain wimp of no small proportions. It could be pretty awkward, in the shop, if he gets cold feet. But he’s said he’s wanted earrings from when he was a small boy! Why can’t boys have earrings, mom? Why can’t I? I can just imagine his mom making a face of not making a face. They would just become inflamed and you’d be teased in school. Only girls wear earrings. Yep. He’ll have his earrings now.

I don’t necessarily kink on earrings or him getting pierced, so I don’t know what I’m kinking on here. Maybe it’s the gender fluidity thing – with earrings he’ll be much more open about who he is. He’ll be more himself, and not so much what’s expected of him. It’s a small gesture, a permanent one, that shows that he is not afraid to be who he is, even if it’s not according to societal standard.

I really like the idea of that.

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