We ordered the shibari bondage rope I was talking about. Besides Japanese jute rope Esinem also sells a great, professional and very enlightening double DVD called Japanese rope bondage I & II – Tying people not parcels. I can recommend it to anyone who is interested in rope bondage, no matter how far they are in learning it. This is some really amazing stuff.
When we first tried it Wonderboy tried to learn the most basic of basics – the column tie. The jute rope was hard and rough as we didn’t have time to boil and oil it and it hurt my wrists. They are very sensitive as I am all over. After trying for a while my hands started to get weary, the skin was burning… and Wonderboy took this as a sign that I was bored and angry at him for not learning more quickly. We had a small chat about it and although we ended the tying then, we were left in a positive note.
When we tried again on Sunday I knew to say outright that I wasn’t bored at all, when Wonderboy wasn’t happy with his bondage. I offered my legs as easier to tie and easier to hold out for him to tie around. I also said that he could command me to not look at him, if it was making him uncomfortable. He did and after that everything went super well. He tied my legs, well my ankles exactly, and lifted them easily above my head by the rope. (Well, almost!) Then he came back to tying my wrists, just straight up in front of me, no funny business or anything.
And all the time I kept looking at him. (Except when he said I couldn’t. He did say when I could watch him again.) I took in his body, every inch, every twist of flesh and hair. I watched his expression, determined, wonderfully stoic in its concentration. It took me by surprise that I could fully surrender to that. It was perhaps the first time, ever, I felt comfortable to just take my female gaze and smear it all over him (thanks Perverse Cowgirl!). He was already tying me. I was free.
Free of what exactly? It’s hard to pinpoint. It was many things. I felt free to feel, to just concentrate on feeling the rope, the hands, the roughness, the light touches. For once I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t even have to portray anything or be the object of his gaze. I felt free to look at Wonderboy. I… Maybe it was because I didn’t feel that he was vulnerable anymore? He was too, he was trying to tie me and he didn’t really know yet how to do it right. But he was tying me. And I was helpless. And it set me free.
So after a while… When he started tying my ankles together, I just… Transcended. I don’t feel it was even subspace anymore. I was enlightened with the feeling of total freedom. Freedom to feel everything down to its last breath. And it was like getting turned on from all over my body, all over my skin. I felt elevated. An altered state, but lucid.
And I was turned on. I started breathing deeper and then shallower. I think I trembled at his touch or the touch of the rope. He groped my breast and kissed me, his cock dangling flaccid in front of my face, because I was lying on the bed and he was on his knees. I noticed it. He wasn’t turned on by the tying. I noticed it, but for once I didn’t care. That doesn’t sound right. I did care, it just didn’t change my feelings, or the altered state. It didn’t take that away the way it usually does, because I really only want to see him turned on.
When he started groping me more, kissing me more, the cock started to get fuller, bounce towards me. He got turned on because I was turned on. A vicious cycle.
For me what came after wasn’t as important as this. Even though what came after was quite speactacular. It was what I’d always wanted, and still I could never have imagined the effect. How safe I felt. How taken care of. How cherished and special. How loved and how sexy and owned.
He said later that it looked beautiful. That the aesthetics were a surpisingly big deal for him. He liked the fact that he got to learn a new skill. He took the learning pretty seriously. That’s what made me trust him with it. That’s what made me feel free, in part because he wasn’t focused on me but he was still giving me what I wanted. For me it wasn’t foreplay, it wasn’t the point to get the bondage good and ready so we could fuck, when I was tied – as we did. For me the sensual exploration was the being tied for a time. Just being still. Not even waiting, just being.
I have a hard time stopping. I have a hard time just being. I always have a book or a blog, a tv show or a random passer-by to talk to. I had to stop there. He made me.
After being on this wild ride with him I was exhausted, I was bewildered, I couldn’t get my breathing in order. And Wonderboy… He was just like he is after any sexual act. Let’s hit the shower. That was great! I don’t know how I could get him to slow down for me. I’ve talked about it time and time again. I’ve said there’s even a name for it – aftercare. That I need him beside me. But… Since he doesn’t feel at all like I feel, especially when tying is not at all the same thing for him as it is for me. It isn’t as important, I think, or of it is, it’s truly different in significance.
He rambled on in the shower and while we were tumbling in the direction of the bathroom. He talked about what he liked about it, and he even had some amazingly accurate and even intellectual things to say about it. Bu the didn’t ask me. I tried to say how I have felt and he just rolled all over me.
I don’t know how I feel about that. I’m not hurt, not really. I’m just… He was so excited and that was good! I’ve waited for this. This is something I’ve wanted for years. But maybe I felt that he didn’t want to give it too much significance.
He did recognice that his dominance over me felt different, when he had tied me himself. There was the act of tying and that was part of his dominance but it was also something else. And he did say that we just got liberated today! Even the sex was different, so much different for me. My body totally surprised me in its reactions, my wanting to look at his face over me. Coming in a moment I wasn’t expecting nor feeling like it just because the dynamic suddenly got so real.
I think that this is something that saves us. It saves us when we are going through all the other shit that we’re going through right now, the stuff that keeps me awake now, that sometimes pulls us apart and sometimes together. The exhaustion, the despair, the sorrow. We have this… this diamond. It lends its light to everything around it. It takes away everything else. It makes me able to trascend when everything is about my body and how it is malfunctioning in its most fundamental job. It takes me to somewhere safe – with Wonderboy. That is some feat.