This is what I always hoped sex would be like! Wonderboy exclaimed after sex last Saturday as we rolled on the bed exhausted and sweaty.
Just what people would give their left ear for to hear after sex, right? But no. Nothing’s ever that simple, because he didn’t stop there.
I’ll never need another woman, when you’re so thin and sexy, he added.
I am thinner now. I know I look better. I even feel better – and sexier. But.
I have pretty mixed feelings about that. He doesn’t need another woman, because I’m thin now? What the fuck? I know it was meant as a compliment, and he just meant to say that everything’s better than he hoped it would be. But still. Was I on the changing list before? That was the same me, by the way. I might gain weight again – and if we manage to get pregnant, the weight might even stay a while… or years. Would I be interchangeable then?
I know I’m being a little unfair here, because in all honesty I think I’d want him to change, too, if he was really fat. And maybe I wouldn’t see him as as desirable. But when he had pounded me from the back holding onto my waist and slapping my butt and twisting me by the hair… I still feel like I’m just one Sexy Dreamgirl Shell and that I have been fitted in the place of a porn actress.
This is what Clarisse Thorn writes about the sexy dreamgirl shell (above in the link) girls are so adept at putting on even before we ever learn what we desire and how sex feels like to us:
There was a while there, where my sexuality was mostly performance: an image, an act, a shell that I created because I knew it was hot for my partners. I’m not saying I was performing 100 percent of the time—but certainly, when I was just starting to have sex, that’s mostly what it was. And, scarily, I can put the shell back on at any time. Sometimes it’s hard to resist, because I know men will reward me for it, emotionally, with affection and praise. It’s much, much more difficult to get what I actually want out of a sexual interaction than it is for me to create that sexy dreamgirl shell: hard for me to communicate my desires, hard for me to know what I’m thinking, hard for me to set boundaries.
I feel like I’m being judged by my performance. With the hormones I’m taking, I’m less prone to moan out loud, I don’t get turned on as quickly, I require a lot of straight clitoral stimulation and lot of the d/s play just doesn’t turn me on. Now he’s been moody about that, and I’ve been supportive and have tried to explain, how I feel and why it is so… But after yesterday’s 3 hour maraton apologize fest I’m left angry and hurt. My desire and enjoyment seems to be a priority, when he states, how he feels, when the signs of my lust and enjoyment have changed. But when my straight-worded feedback is not believed, is disregarded, and I am constantly blamed for being different and from not taking enjoyment out of something he does… it ends up feeling a lot more entitled, self-centered and just plain bad self esteem.
He can’t handle the fact that I don’t moan out load all the time and answer to his every touch with a shiver? He can’t handle the fact that I ask him to touch my clitoris in a certain way and guide him more, when he licks me? He can’t handle the fact that I don’t get off on penetration alone anymore? Well, tough shit. How do you think I FEEL?
I’m not the dreamgirl anymore, to myself at least. I have to learn to live with a body that functions a lot like many women describe their sexual body functioning like. But to him the most important part is that I look the part. I feel like he just wants the shell. I do not want to act, I want to make the most of this body, however way it functions, and I have been satisfied with how we have managed to play together against all odds. Why does that not matter at all?
So, why haven’t we had sex in a week? Hmmm. Let me think.
Past the Hurt 
I can certainly see why you’re upset. I would be too.
But I do have some ideas that might be helpful. One is, the upsetting remark is a compliment on the face of it, and was thrown out in a moment when he was probably not at his deepest and most philosophical. It’s probably worth cutting him a lot of slack on compliments that have possibly unintended implications that come from a sweaty and exhausted place.
Two, the comment also I’d imagine came from a dominant place where he’s just been dealing with the controlled release of the more predatory side of his humanity. The way it normally goes for you two, he’s probably just been playing in that headspace where he tells you you’re just a toy for him; AFAIK it takes people time to switch in and out of that.
Three, as far as your sexual behavior goes, you’ve set the bar really high in the past. 🙂 When that changes, it’ll take time for him to adjust. When a child is given lots of gifts and very little punishment, we say they’re “spoiled” for normal treatment. He’s been spoiled.
So, I’m not saying any of it’s correct behavior on his part, but I am saying from a distance it sounds like it might be predictable human failings.
Uncommonmurre makes some very good points.
But my reaction to your story is still to be really, really angry. You (when you’re not on hormones) can have orgasms from blowing a guy. You’re the ultimate fantasy of probably just about every man ever – I think lots of men would die for a chance to fuck someone who orgasms that easily, even if she looked like a circus fat lady. And yet WonderBoy says “that’s what I always hoped sex would be like!” to you because you’re…thin? WTF?!
This post also touches on something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately…that it seems like a lot of guys, if they care about a woman’s orgasm(s) at all, care not for her sake but for their own. Like a woman’s orgasm is just a performance for a man’s benefit. I sense this attitude by the number of guys who’ve asked me repeatedly whether I squirt and gotten pouty when I said that I don’t – I can’t find any evidence online that squriting orgasms feel any better than regular ones, ergo this line of questioning isn’t about my pleasure, it’s about the performance. It’s not enough that I thrash around and moan like crazy when I come (which I do), or that I say it was great and I’m satisfied. They want better visuals. I’m just not orgasming right.
And thank you for linking to that Clarisse Thorn article – I have a dreamgirl shell, too (although I always called it RoboWhore – like a robot who feels nothing but is programmed to moan at all the right times) and it was a huge relief to see that this is a common feeling. I will say that I probably have it easier than younger women because the internet wasn’t really a thing until I was almost 20 (and I couldn’t afford a computer of my own until years later). And I hadn’t even seen a whole porn movie until I was over 20. So, I had my first handful of sex partners without an image in my head of what the perfect blowjob should be. A lot of ideas still seeped into my head just from tv and books, though. I definitely had the idea, from a young age, that I was supposed to moan a lot and act super-impressed with everything the guy did, and be up for anything: http://perversecowgirl.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/im-still-me/
Anyway, I hope you and WonderBoy can talk this out and that he understands how you feel. It probably was just random sex-talk that came out wrong, as uncommonmurre says. But make sure he knows that what you’re like on hormones is what most women are like all the time – he’s definitely been spoiled, and as a porn-watching guy who was a virgin when you met, he probably has no idea. 😛
he’s definitely been spoiled, and as a porn-watching guy who was a virgin when you met, he probably has no idea.
Seconded. I wish I could give him an earful.
You guys have some very good points.
I know that he’s not as clueless about his luck as one might think. He does realize that it’s extremely uncommon for women to get off like me… But knowing that and understanding it might be two different things. He’s still used to me being a certain way. It hurts his feelings, when I react differently, because he can’t fathom, not really, why. For him it feels like he’s doing something wrong. Suddenly what he’s got isn’t enough. I get that now, more than I did, when I wrote the post. He reacts emotionally to my acting differently and might be able to analyze why it is, but still can’t help but feel a little down, if that makes sense.
We’ve talked about it a lot for the past weeks. He said that “well, those guys aren’t happy about it, either”, when I confronted him about it and said that most of the women are more like this all the time. Touché, I guess. It’s not like he doesn’t know these things. I guess anyone would be a little thrown, if their partner started acting a lot less enthusiasticly in bed. Right? I think that maybe the fear that he’s not enough for me or that I’d get bored with him, as he’s remarked on several occasions, drives his feelings a lot. The fear is so tangible that it’s hard for him to see through it and hear me, when my body isn’t saying the same as my mouth. Sigh.
He wasn’t sure that I orgasmed this morning after he went down on me (after sex, because I didn’t come…), but he asked. That’s an improvement. I really must be very different, because I had come and there was nothing vague about it to me.
He also said that I’m spoiled by his heroic acts in bed… And that might be true. He is ever so committed to making sex an experience every time. I don’t know, if I stress that enough, when I complain about what’s not right. He goes out of his way to please me and Dom the living daylight out of me. That’s been the problem. I’m turned on by him being turned on and doing things he wants to do. If he’s just trying to please me, it won’t work. He remarked on it today and said he just indulged today and didn’t worry about me. “It must be a little hard to feel good about sex, if someone’s monitoring your every move in a worried way”, he acknowledged my feelings. And it was a lot hotter than for some time now. 🙂 Which was nice.
PC,
it seems like a lot of guys, if they care about a woman’s orgasm(s) at all, care not for her sake but for their own. Like a woman’s orgasm is just a performance for a man’s benefit.
This is what I had in mind while I wrote the post, too. But I do realize now, that in a loving partnership it can be really difficult to let go of the indications the orgasms of your partner used to have for you – about your prowess and so on. Maybe you (him) didn’t realize that you held these ideas about your worth regarding their orgasm and maybe it’s pretty hard to handle it all of a sudden.
I occurs to me that it was a lot easier for him to understand the orgasm troubles I had while on antidepressants. I guess it was easier to see the cause, because they changed me to such a mellow person all together, and I was taking them daily. It’s easy for him to forget that I’m on any medications, because it’s mostly a fight in my head to cope with the rages and crying fits and cramps. I’m trying to communicate it to him now that he’d realize, hwo hard it is for me – all the time.
I had a breakdown on thursday and decided I can’t keep taking these hormones anymore. Everything felt meaningless and I felt betrayed by my body and my mind. – Even WB didn’t understand and couldn’t help. I’m doing this for us. I’m doing this, because of his low sperm count. I’d just want to hear some encouragement and be supported for carrying it all.
The crisis passed, when I let the fertility doctor know I want an appointment to talk about the future. And then I called my therapist for an emergency time on the phone. It helped that I knew I could change things. And I talked to WB and let him know what i’m thinking and feeling and how hard this is for me – and how I hope he’ll try to keep that in mind. That I’m fighting huge side effects daily and it’s a fight he can’t see.
Also, I know that looks are more important to WB than to me. In sex, especially. He gets off on watching me. I don’t get off on watching someone. I can’t understand it. I like the way he looks and I think he’s beautiful. But… I don’t need him to be thin and pretty to get off. It doesn’t do so much for me. I used to only come by fantasizing with my eyes closed, remember? 😀
Also also, I loved your post I’m still me, PC! I read it, when you wrote it.
It’s been an epiphany to realize that I’m not alone with performing sexuality. And I hadn’t seen a porn flic either before I started having sex, or for a while after. But we are told in so many ways – sit like that, not like that, don’t lick your ice cream like that, don’t walk like that, don’t wear your hair or makeup like that… etc. The continuous flow of regulations do tell us what is the certain kind of female sexuality we’re not supposed to portray out there so we do know that how we are seen always proceeds how we actually feel about it. Clarisse has a great post about that one too: Remember Britney Spears? Men Visual Sexuality and Women’s Presentation.
We’ve talked about it a lot for the past weeks. He said that “well, those guys aren’t happy about it, either”, when I confronted him about it and said that most of the women are more like this all the time.
I disagree. I think if all of a guy’s female partners have required a certain amount time and attention in order to orgasm, the guy is gonna assume that that’s how women work, and any different portrayal he’s seen in porn is just fake/fantasy. Likewise, I have tons of fantasies about making guys come either without touching them at all, or just from prostate stimulation. It would be hot if that could happen, but every guy I’ve ever known has needed me to touch him on the penis – usually for at least ten minutes – in order to give him an orgasm. Just because I’d like it if guys came by magic doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with the way my partners actually are.
I think a lot of this boils down to the fact that hetero “sex” is defined around the guy’s orgasm. If sex means getting a guy to orgasm, then his orgasm makes the encounter a sucess – no matter how fast or slow it happens and what it takes to get him there. It bet it wouldn’t even occur to a guy to wonder whether he orgasmed in a way that pleased his partner (until someone told him to moan more/take less or more time/etc.). The fact that he orgasmed means that everything worked out perfectly, period. I wonder how Wonderboy would feel if you started whining that you wished he’d orgasm differently than he does? If you said you wanted him to shoot further or finish faster or to get off from stimulation way more gentle and brief than he actually needs? I’m not actually suggesting that you do this, just marvelling at the fact that guys mostly feel fine critiquing our pleasure – and asking us to change even our automatic responses so they’re more visually pleasing – but if we did the same I bet they’d be absolutely outraged.
But y’know…if a woman comes really easily, then making her come doesn’t mean you’re skilled. It just means you’re there. Making a woman come after a lot of work is the real proof of prowess. Same goes for making a man come. It may be fun to get someone to orgasm with hardly any work, but it doesn’t prove anything. Now is the time for Wonderboy to show how good he is, and to take pride when he gets you there.
That Britney Spears article was awesome. I have the Chuck Klosterman book with the original interview in it and it had never occurred to me to see it in that light. 🙂
Oh, one more thought:
I don’t get off on watching someone. I can’t understand it.
You say this, and yet I’m certain you’ve mentioned that you sometimes masturbate to porn. Am I misremembering/misinterpreting?
You say this, and yet I’m certain you’ve mentioned that you sometimes masturbate to porn. Am I misremembering/misinterpreting?
I thought about that misinterpration when I wrote the above. I mean I don’t get off on looks alone so much. I watch all kinds of bodytyped people get off in my porn. And what gets me mostly off about porn? The voices of pleasure and urgency from the guy. It doesn’t really matter, if he’s the new cover boy or a fat office clerk. That’s what I mean.
I think if all of a guy’s female partners have required a certain amount time and attention in order to orgasm, the guy is gonna assume that that’s how women work, and any different portrayal he’s seen in porn is just fake/fantasy.
I think WB was thinking of a pretty severe case. But you’re right.
I have tons of fantasies about making guys come either without touching them at all, or just from prostate stimulation.
Haha! Me too! Never even ocurred to me to complain about it though. That’s how society and porn industry have raised us. But I wanna say that it’s not so black and white that men’s orgasms aren’t under a threat. Wonderboy has remarked more than once, how he’s seen “spoiled takes” and how the porn actor just got off two times a row (my fantasy dude!). And then he said that I guess you can also be talented in that. I think men do carry a load too (haha) and they sometimes try too much to live up tp the standards that porn have portrayed for them. Lasting long, doing heroic positions, coming again and again, hard, every time.
But you’re right about one thing: I’m wise enough not to ask him for it. (Or torture him admitting it’s something I desire… Ahem.)
I think a lot of this boils down to the fact that hetero “sex” is defined around the guy’s orgasm. If sex means getting a guy to orgasm, then his orgasm makes the encounter a sucess – no matter how fast or slow it happens and what it takes to get him there. It bet it wouldn’t even occur to a guy to wonder whether he orgasmed in a way that pleased his partner (until someone told him to moan more/take less or more time/etc.).
Yeah, me and the Third Wave are right behind you on this one. It is a problem.
But. (Can there be a but here?)
I actually have asked for Wonderboy to change his orgasming in slight ways. I’ve let him know that I like the moans, so used to be silent WB moans nowadays throughout the sex and his orgasm. But yeah: why won’t you come more easily has been a stapler at our house, I have to admit. If someone can’t reach orgasm, it used to be him. So our view of sex has had to change anyway.
Hmm. I assume women don’t orgasm easily, and almost all the female orgasms in porn are faked. (Except Beautiful Agony.) Despite that I have experience with two women who orgasm without genital contact or even an intention on my part to make it happen. But, I don’t as a rule watch conventional porn.