Wonderboy is stretching naked beside me.
Can I touch it? I ask.
He hasn’t been in the mood for sex after yesterday, but neither have I. I still am drawn to him in a way I can’t explain and in a way he can’t know of.
No, he answers and keeps on stretching his leg muscles.
I sigh and exclaim that he never lets me touch it!
After a whil he lies on the bed while I’m looking for something on the floor.
You can touch it now, he says a couple of times, because I don’t hear him at first. I jump on it.
Just a little then, he says I think to let me know that he doesn’t want a blowjob, a handjob or a job of any kind. He’s just doing this for me. To make me happy.
I lay my head on his tummy, it’s softer an fuller than before, and I put my hand gently on his cock. It’s soft and fragile and small. My hand covers it like a planket. Suddenly I feel tears welling up. My fingers are quivering on his silky skin. He’s so big and unreachable. When we’ve kissed, I’ve felt no connection to him. I’ve been so far away, but I think that it was him who drifted off first. I just followed.
Oh honey, he says in a tender voice and then adds: what are you doing down there?
I’m crying, I answer and sob. The tears roll on my cheeks and my nose, they roll onto his tummy and my hair.
I rise to hug him and he hugs me tight. But I don’t feel like telling him I love him. I haven’t felt like that in a while. My resentment is everywhere in me. I am not getting what I need.
After a while I have turned the light of and we lie in the dark next to each other. He’s usually sleep by now, but he isn’t because he has to work tomorrow and he’s stressed about that.
Since you’ve been… having problems… and trying to sort things out… you haven’t really owned me, I say. You haven’t commanded me or anything. You haven’t really been my master.
Yeah, he admits, I guess so.
But I always own you, he says. I moan silently. His words make my heart flutter and my cunt pulse.
But what if I don’t feel it? I say.
I don’t remember exactly how he responded. It was late and in the darkness our words seemed less serious.
I just need to feel it. I realized what had been making me so unhappy. Why I’d been so unreachable during sex too. I wanted him to tie his ownership around me like a rope. I needed to feel the sting and restriction of the rope. I was lost.
I’m lost, I told him, without your ownership.
I still own you. You’re still my slave, he said. No matter what.
I sighed a sigh of happiness. No matter what, I echoed.
Are you going to do that thing we talked about with your work?
I guess I have to, he answered.
It’s hard to be a grown-up, I said.
I don’t want to be a grown-up, he laughed.
Me neither, I answered.
Then we both laughed. And then we went to sleep. Together. No other men anywhere.
Ps. Also – I’m ovulating today. Although I’m quite emotionally in a knot right now and don’t excessively desire sex like I usually do, I think the need to be infatuated has a lot to do with ovulation and also – the desire to get pregnant. This is something I rarely see talked about. I really want to get pregnant and so I’m finding ways to do exactly that… All the ways. This obviously is just my interpretation of the situation. This has happened before – and also on lots of occasions I’m too embarrased to tell you about, but they are quite miniscule ot be frank. Just like this one.
So… I should know better?